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Steps

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ajduclos
Posts: 319
Joined: Mon Apr 01, 2019 7:35 pm

Steps

Post by ajduclos » Sat Feb 08, 2020 1:34 am

Mourning   - or -   Steps  

Her feet follow paths they once trod,
each step a struggle through grey dawn.
Bleak morning greets raw mourning.  

In a flash he was gone, flown on,
vanished from earth's plane. Ground from sky
pirouette blown down – no good-bye.  

Ill winds whipped him headlong away
now keep sunrise at bay. Grim, she
traces numb his steps forlorn.
  

Two scoops of joe again for one,
each breath undone when truth of death
grips cruel, gut twists – yes, he's gone. 

Empty chair stark, the table huge,
newspaper unread by cold cup –
unbearable the silence. 

She turns to speak to no one there.
Stilled air greets words like a critique,
burns deep her depth of yearning.  


No sun today to ease her way.
Alone, dreary cold, filled empty,
she walks her trail of mourning. 
 

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Colm Roe
Posts: 1003
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Re: Steps

Post by Colm Roe » Sat Feb 08, 2020 2:43 am

Hi Aj,
S1, 2 and 3 are way too telling, and have way too many generics.

paths they once trod,
struggle
grey dawn.
Bleak morning
raw mourning.
In a flash he was gone,
vanished from earth's plane.
no good-bye.
Ill winds whipped
now keep sunrise at bay.
Grim,
traces numb
forlorn.

Your poem nestles nicely in the last four stanzas.

ajduclos
Posts: 319
Joined: Mon Apr 01, 2019 7:35 pm

Re: Steps

Post by ajduclos » Sat Feb 08, 2020 1:30 pm

Hey Colm - 

Thanks for the comments and critique, for taking the time.  You do correctly see the distinction of S1, 2 and 3 from the rest of the poem.  And I was quite proud of some of these generics  :?

The seed of this poem was seeing my dear neighbor in the very early grey overcast morning walking the "path" she and her late husband "once trod" every morning for their daily constitutional, and the grit she is exhibiting in trying to get on with her life.  He died recently, tragically, violently, suddenly in his new hand built kit stunt bi-plane (stupid old fool !!!) while taxiing when a rouge blast of wind picked the kite-like craft up off the ground and spun it over to crash down hard right on his head.  I wanted the first three stanzas to tell this story but without specific detail.... And the last four stanzas to explore her new world.

Any help you can give this wannabe poet to spruce up the first three stanzas would be happily accepted.

Thanks for your thoughts - be well.

Aj        

 

ajduclos
Posts: 319
Joined: Mon Apr 01, 2019 7:35 pm

Re: Steps

Post by ajduclos » Sat Feb 08, 2020 4:05 pm

Colm -

I've been mulling over your comments and thinking about what I wrote and what it is and what I wanted to say.  It is indeed "telling" because it is a narrative poem.  And even though I was writing about Ruthie and her empty anguish, the poem is a universal metaphor for any and all sudden leavings without good-byes..............

I will try to be a bit less "generic" or trite or cliché in the first 3 stanzas, as you rightfully point out.  Any suggestions welcomed.

Thanks.

Aj 

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Colm Roe
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Re: Steps

Post by Colm Roe » Sat Feb 08, 2020 5:59 pm

I'm out and about at the moment...but I'll comment later.

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Colm Roe
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Re: Steps

Post by Colm Roe » Sun Feb 09, 2020 3:42 am

Ok, my suggested edit became a monster!
But you know me and death...I can't resist.

Every dawn
she walks their familiar path,
in procession, reverence
and sometimes
hope.
Stopping occasionally
to look for life under rocks,
the ones he lifted.

Every morning
no matter how grey or bleak,
promises warmer, brighter things?

Back home, her routine continues.
Places mugs on the table,
boils enough water for two
and has to stop herself
from chiding him
for the extra spoonful
he always claimed
'made him sweeter!'

There are stones we know
we shouldn't lift.
Irresistible tablets
with unanswered....

ajduclos
Posts: 319
Joined: Mon Apr 01, 2019 7:35 pm

Re: Steps

Post by ajduclos » Mon Feb 10, 2020 1:43 am

Gawd, Colm... that is sweet, full of emotion.  Such a gift to write free form and free flow... even about death !!!  I'm stuck in form and rhythm and there it is.

Thanks.

Aj 

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Colm Roe
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Re: Steps

Post by Colm Roe » Mon Feb 10, 2020 2:40 am

'I'm stuck in form and rhythm'

Stuck, because they can (more often than not) restrict your scope.
Fly free Aj :)

Tim J Brennan
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Joined: Mon Jan 22, 2018 7:59 pm

Re: Steps

Post by Tim J Brennan » Tue Feb 11, 2020 2:09 pm

Her feet follow paths they once trod,
each step a struggle through grey dawn.
Bleak morning greets raw mourning.

In a flash he was gone, flown on,
vanished from earth's plane. Ground from sky
pirouette blown down – no good-bye.


Wordy, to my ear.

Her feet follow a path once trod,
each step a struggle,
bleak morning, raw mourning.

He gone, vanished from earth's plane.
pirouette down--no good-bye.

(and continue to the end, editing as such)

This is just how I see it. All those extra words bog me down as a reader and get in the way of what is a wonderful subject to a poem. Enjoyed reading very much.

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Tracy Mitchell
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Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 10:58 pm

Re: Steps

Post by Tracy Mitchell » Tue Feb 11, 2020 7:39 pm

Not much to add, but to say I have enjoyed following the discussion of this poem.  

Cheers, you guys know of what you speak.

T

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