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Big Orange Sun

General Poetry - post, comment, review, critique
Trish Saunders
Posts: 17
Joined: Tue Jan 23, 2018 12:05 am

Big Orange Sun

Post by Trish Saunders » Thu Jan 16, 2020 5:09 pm

  
Come to Italy and live in the sun, 
                                                            you write.  
Serenity is a giant orange waiting
to be plucked 
from the gnarled trees near
 the old tracks from Naples. 
 
Look, how the years are slipping by…
five, ten, fifteen…
the years disappear, like bread crumbs
in a wet woods, while the drudgery of work,
dishes that never fail to pile up,
laundry that overflows its bin,
eats away 
at our existence.  
 
That spreadsheet you are working on, 
the site update, 
Leave them. Take the Bullet to Pompeii.
 
Even the ardent cadavers cemented under glass:  entwined lovers, 
frightened horse,  chained dog, 
have more life in their feral remains,
than we, safe in our chairs. 
 
Let’s don’t wait  for a police escort leading 
mourners to our remains,
but go now
before our swollen bodies join them.
in the city of dust.
 

Dave
Posts: 607
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 4:07 pm

Re: Big Orange Sun

Post by Dave » Thu Jan 16, 2020 7:01 pm

Hey Trish
I enjoyed this though I think it is a tad dramatic and the theme is not new. The poem takes a fresh look at it. Line one and the first half of line 3 in stanza 2 replicate each other, the first being better than the second but neither truly working well with bread crumbs in the rain since they don't really slip or disappear.
Welcome
Dave
 

Trish Saunders
Posts: 17
Joined: Tue Jan 23, 2018 12:05 am

Re: Big Orange Sun

Post by Trish Saunders » Thu Jan 16, 2020 7:41 pm

Thanks for the read and critique, Dave. I'm not sure I quite follow you with the repeated lines, but I appreciate your taking the time to comment. Not a new subject, the escape to Italy, you mean? That's true. Though a new subject I am not sure actually exists.  :D Years slip by, and bread crumbs disappear. I agree they don't "match" up and I'll see if a better word would work.
 

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Wren Tuatha
Posts: 99
Joined: Sun Aug 26, 2018 9:48 pm
Location: Sol Three
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Re: Big Orange Sun

Post by Wren Tuatha » Thu Jan 16, 2020 9:02 pm

Hi Trish! Nice to see you here. I'm ready for Italy. See you there!
 

Trish Saunders
Posts: 17
Joined: Tue Jan 23, 2018 12:05 am

Re: Big Orange Sun

Post by Trish Saunders » Thu Jan 16, 2020 9:40 pm

Thank you, Wren, good to see you, as well! I will meet you at the Train Station
 

Dave
Posts: 607
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 4:07 pm

Re: Big Orange Sun

Post by Dave » Thu Jan 16, 2020 10:13 pm

The years disappear in L3 S2 says largely the same thing as the years slipping by just with other words but adds nothing really new.

Trish Saunders
Posts: 17
Joined: Tue Jan 23, 2018 12:05 am

Re: Big Orange Sun

Post by Trish Saunders » Thu Jan 16, 2020 10:36 pm

I see, hmmm, I'll have a think on that, Thanks. 

Matty11
Posts: 443
Joined: Fri Jan 12, 2018 2:58 am

Re: Big Orange Sun

Post by Matty11 » Fri Jan 17, 2020 4:20 am

hi Trish,
I like the ambition in the imagery, but I'm not quite connecting to the theme. The 'drudgery' listed is rejected for a more 'ardent' life, but then 'serenity' is the opening image?


Even the ardent cadavers cemented under glass: entwined lovers,
frightened horse, chained dog,
have more life in their feral remains,
than we, safe in our chairs.

ardent I get for 'passionate' lovers, but not for the 'frightened' horse. feral/cemented contrast delivers the irony for me:

The cadavers cemented under glass
- entwined lovers, frightened horse, chained dog -
have more life in their feral remains,
than we, safe in our chairs.

A chance to cut the adjective and allow the verb to impact more.

Look, how the years are slipping by…
five, ten, fifteen…
the years disappear, like bread crumbs
in a wet woods, while the dishes
that never fail to pile up,
laundry that overflows its bin,
eats away
at our existence.

The list shows the drudgery so no need to tell?

You have a typo full-stop error in the penultimate line...before our swollen bodies join them.

best

Phil

Trish Saunders
Posts: 17
Joined: Tue Jan 23, 2018 12:05 am

Re: Big Orange Sun

Post by Trish Saunders » Fri Jan 17, 2020 6:27 am

Hi Phil,
The serenity is the wished-for life; I think this poem was confusing to some people and it needs some work to make the meaning clearer; or your read just wasn't quite what I had expressed. Thanks for the notes!
Trish
 

indar
Posts: 1119
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 3:00 pm

Re: Big Orange Sun

Post by indar » Fri Jan 17, 2020 8:20 pm

Hi Trish and nice to find a writer new to this forum. I caught on the opening lines of this piece that is probably unique to my read: the giant orange conjures up "James and the Giant Peach", an early favorite of the books I read to my grandson. But since the title tells us the sun is a big orange perhaps adding to the description with a verb of some sort---as a declaration on how the glow calls to the N or something. I am trying to use more verbs and less modifiers in my writing so I tend to latch on to such things.

I love the theme that drives this write and the unique comparisons between the wild decisions (feral) and the domesticated safety of stasis. I agree its an often expressed theme but you do pepper it with good concrete imagery and wonderful simile and metaphor. Nice poem, love Italy, moved from wintry northern climes to California 17 years ago and planted an orange tree in my yard.

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