Welcome to The Tangled Branch!  Join us.

Accelerating darkness and broken protons

General Poetry - post, comment, review, critique
Post Reply
User avatar
Colm Roe
Posts: 1390
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 7:45 am

Accelerating darkness and broken protons

Post by Colm Roe » Mon Jan 13, 2020 3:07 am

Scientists are still waiting to witness
a proton decay.
It's predicted, and will be the final nail
in our Universe's coffin.
Star creation will stop and the night sky
becomes a cold, dark blank...
unless God changes the rules
and interferes.

It's thought he doesn't meddle
in our affairs, free will and all that.
So why do we pray in desperation,
believing in interventions we know
won't happen.

Somewhere in me I believe in something,
not Him...well, maybe a flawed version.
I pray for others (on the off chance)
He's some humanity left.

But in the back of my proton filled mind
I'm just waiting
for Hell to freeze over.

User avatar
Gyppo
Posts: 467
Joined: Sat Mar 31, 2018 9:28 pm
Location: UK

Re: Accelerating darkness and broken protons

Post by Gyppo » Mon Jan 13, 2020 10:17 am

But in the back of my proton filled mind
I'm just waiting
for Hell to freeze over.


Colm:  I love the image this triggers.  How can anyone fear a shivering Devil wearing ice skates and a thick hooded parka ;-)  Especially if it has striped sleeves.
I've been writing ever since I realised I could.  Storytelling since I started talking.  Poetry however comes and goes  ;-)

User avatar
Tracy Mitchell
Posts: 1632
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 10:58 pm

Re: Accelerating darkness and broken protons

Post by Tracy Mitchell » Mon Jan 13, 2020 6:58 pm

Wonderful, Colm!  You are becoming so prolific.

Here are my nibbles:

S.1 L.5-6 -- tense changes from future to present, doesn't feel right
      L.8 -- consider deleting

S.2 -- So why do we pray in desperation, / believing in interventions . . . . How about >> So why do we pray for interventions . . .  Just asking.

S.3 -- maybe lose the parens

S.4  L.2 --  just

Cheers.

T

Post Reply