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Neighbors

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Tim J Brennan
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Joined: Mon Jan 22, 2018 7:59 pm

Neighbors

Post by Tim J Brennan » Sun Jan 12, 2020 4:13 pm

Their voices fall against the window,
a sort of violence of words; words hit
steamed glass, echo

and strike the couple separated by floor tile.
He, skeletal, robed, moves to a door almost
haunted, hunted, a rolled newspaper

in his hand. On the other side of the room,
she listens hard, face like a clock dial.

From the television, ten o’clock news
growls, muffles his under-the-breath

fuck you, girl

the roll slap of the newspaper
into his calloused palm.
Last edited by Tim J Brennan on Mon Jan 13, 2020 3:45 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Wren Tuatha
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Re: Neighbors

Post by Wren Tuatha » Sun Jan 12, 2020 7:06 pm

Very nice portrait. The details are well chosen. Thanks!

Matty11
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Re: Neighbors

Post by Matty11 » Sun Jan 12, 2020 8:22 pm

Effectively done Tim. Particularly the pent up aggression in the rolled up newspaper as if to swat a fly.

Best

Phil

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Tracy Mitchell
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Re: Neighbors

Post by Tracy Mitchell » Mon Jan 13, 2020 2:15 am

Like this, Tim, well crafted.

T

Tim J Brennan
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Joined: Mon Jan 22, 2018 7:59 pm

Re: Neighbors

Post by Tim J Brennan » Mon Jan 13, 2020 3:41 am

Thanks for the comments, but needed to make some edits. Hard to slap the newspaper into the palm w/a glass of water in his hand ;)

 

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Gyppo
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Re: Neighbors

Post by Gyppo » Mon Jan 13, 2020 10:34 am

I'm glad you took that bit out.  The 'slapstick comedy' moment didn't set well amongst the rest.  I did a 'theatrical walk-through' to see if I was reading it correctly.

Lots of words there which add to the mood of pending violence.
I've been writing ever since I realised I could.  Storytelling since I started talking.  Poetry however comes and goes  ;-)

Sharon Leigh
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Location: Midwest US

Re: Neighbors

Post by Sharon Leigh » Tue Jan 14, 2020 12:37 am

An excellent study, its all there in its gritty glory. Always enjoy your pen, never over-written, but focused in the best way. I didn't see it pre-edit but as it stands now it's powerfully ended on the tactile slap of paper in calloused palm. Bravo
"This creature of the poem may assemble itself into a being with its own centrifugal force."-- Sharon Olds

Dave
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Re: Neighbors

Post by Dave » Tue Jan 14, 2020 8:13 pm

Unlike the others I struggle to visualize some of this. The voices falling against the window - for me fall implies from above. Yet I fail to see how that would work. Moreover I can't relate the fall of the words to the violence of the words. Could be me of course. Fall is not powerful enough a word to produce the violence.
Separated by floor tile - produces similar problems of visualization for me - does it mean they sit on opposite ends of the room - something we are told anyway. Or is there a wall between them?

I don't like the repetitions but that's is a personal preference.
The fuck you, girl  despite the latent aggression feels like another poem.

Anyway provides a great deal of intensity for so few words.
Dave
 

Tim J Brennan
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Re: Neighbors

Post by Tim J Brennan » Wed Jan 15, 2020 4:25 am

Dave wrote:
Tue Jan 14, 2020 8:13 pm
Unlike the others I struggle to visualize some of this. The voices falling against the window - for me fall implies from above. Yet I fail to see how that would work. Moreover I can't relate the fall of the words to the violence of the words. Could be me of course. Fall is not powerful enough a word to produce the violence.
Separated by floor tile - produces similar problems of visualization for me - does it mean they sit on opposite ends of the room - something we are told anyway. Or is there a wall between them?

I don't like the repetitions but that's is a personal preference.
The fuck you, girl  despite the latent aggression feels like another poem.

Anyway provides a great deal of intensity for so few words.
Dave
 
I'll take intensity, Dave. Thanks.
 

Tim J Brennan
Posts: 595
Joined: Mon Jan 22, 2018 7:59 pm

Re: Neighbors

Post by Tim J Brennan » Wed Jan 15, 2020 4:26 am

Gyppo wrote:
Mon Jan 13, 2020 10:34 am
I'm glad you took that bit out.  The 'slapstick comedy' moment didn't set well amongst the rest.  I did a 'theatrical walk-through' to see if I was reading it correctly.

Lots of words there which add to the mood of pending violence.

Me, too (glad I took it out). Thanks for the words of encouragement. 

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