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Island Fiction

General Poetry - post, comment, review, critique
Sharon Leigh
Posts: 223
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 11:07 am
Location: Midwest US

Re: Island Fiction

Post by Sharon Leigh » Thu Jan 16, 2020 4:17 am

Hi Phil,

Love this. A "knitting voice"... Fantastic, I wish I'd written it. I'm struck by the lilting motion here throughout, echoing the rocking of the sea, and such lovely, pleasing sonics. A joy to read




Matty11 wrote:
Fri Dec 27, 2019 4:06 am
I could murder a cuppa
 mutters a knitting voice,
her claws purling patterns
  the Fair Isle way.

The kettle whistles, the brew
  as warming as a jumper -
outside gulls rock and roll
  drunk on a burgundy sky.

The winged ways gleam
  in those full-throated, fish
-happy voices. She hears
  the thrill of fraying waves. 
"This creature of the poem may assemble itself into a being with its own centrifugal force."-- Sharon Olds

Dave
Posts: 607
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 4:07 pm

Re: Island Fiction

Post by Dave » Thu Jan 16, 2020 7:03 pm

Visually strong and beautiful use of sound and tone.
Dave
 

Trish Saunders
Posts: 17
Joined: Tue Jan 23, 2018 12:05 am

Re: Island Fiction

Post by Trish Saunders » Thu Jan 16, 2020 7:51 pm

The first line,

I could murder a cuppa,

I found a little over-familiar ... not quite the equal to the fine poem that follows.
 

Matty11
Posts: 443
Joined: Fri Jan 12, 2018 2:58 am

Re: Island Fiction

Post by Matty11 » Fri Jan 17, 2020 4:32 am

Thanks P, Sharon, Dave and Trish. Pleased you all found something in this attempt.

I could murder a cuppa,

I found a little over-familiar

The intention was to convey the mundane, though there was a clearer intent to suggest repressed emotions in another version I have so perhaps it is a bit of a leftover.

best

Phil

Trish Saunders
Posts: 17
Joined: Tue Jan 23, 2018 12:05 am

Re: Island Fiction

Post by Trish Saunders » Fri Jan 17, 2020 6:32 am

"convey the mundane"  - yes, I see that. How to put this? Maybe there is a more original way of expressing mundanity?  

Matty11
Posts: 443
Joined: Fri Jan 12, 2018 2:58 am

Re: Island Fiction

Post by Matty11 » Fri Jan 17, 2020 8:43 am

Thanks for coming back Trish. I'll have a ponder, though the expression is that of the speaker and pitches her 'comfort habit'.

best

Phil

Tim J Brennan
Posts: 595
Joined: Mon Jan 22, 2018 7:59 pm

Re: Island Fiction

Post by Tim J Brennan » Fri Jan 17, 2020 4:13 pm

Matty11 wrote:
Fri Dec 27, 2019 4:06 am
I could murder a cuppa
 mutters a knitting voice,
her claws purling patterns
  the Fair Isle way.

The kettle whistles, the brew
  as warming as a jumper -
outside gulls rock and roll
  drunk on a burgundy sky.

The winged ways gleam
  in those full-throated, fish
-happy voices. She hears
  the thrill of fraying waves. 

I love a poem that's been edited 18 times. Shows stamina.  

Read this a few times now and I keep hearing verses from South Pacific. Maybe, Don Ho. Or even a mature Disney movie w/drunk gulls doing a little Rock 'n' Roll (which is how I would write it if that is indeed what you are referring to).  At least that's how it shows at the Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame...I went there last summer. 

Fun read. I feel refreshed when I read it. 

indar
Posts: 1119
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 3:00 pm

Re: Island Fiction

Post by indar » Fri Jan 17, 2020 7:55 pm

What a word picture! I think I have figured out a few unfamiliar terms: Jumper, for instance, must be some kind of warm clothing--that's good enough for me.

I have done enough knitting to know what purling is--the knit stitch backwards. I am hearing the voice of an elderly woman (hands clawed from age) discussing tea. Nice contrast between the boiling tea kettle and the (implied) wind-driven cold sea. The rock and roll gulls reflect the sea-motion and I absolutely LOVE the burgundy sky and fraying waves. A homey scene inside and rollicking action outside--contrasts throughout. Wonderful write Phil.

Matty11
Posts: 443
Joined: Fri Jan 12, 2018 2:58 am

Re: Island Fiction

Post by Matty11 » Sat Jan 18, 2020 2:48 am

Thank you Tim and Linda.

I am hearing the voice of an elderly woman (hands clawed from age)

Great, pleased that one worked.

drunk gulls doing a little Rock 'n' Roll (which is how I would write it if that is indeed what you

I like that suggestion. I feel another edit coming :)

all the best

Phil

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