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sign language

General Poetry - post, comment, review, critique
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Dave
Posts: 584
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 4:07 pm

sign language

Post by Dave » Fri Nov 29, 2019 2:21 pm

Sign language

Flesh crumbles
beneath flaked bark
along the promenade.

Gulls stumble 
the scarred water line
in search of crabs.

Voices mumble
prayers of the stranded
on this drought shore.

Numbered wheels
spun to a halt here
long before the final
pennies dropped
and the croupiers
dealt loaded cards
to the lost.

The golden T remains
leaning like Pisa's tower
towards the destitute waves.

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Colm Roe
Posts: 938
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 7:45 am

Re: sign language

Post by Colm Roe » Sat Nov 30, 2019 2:13 am

Very nice Dave. 
Excellent imagery, and a clever title.
S4 might be stronger by omitting the first two 'the's.
 

Sharon Leigh
Posts: 205
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 11:07 am
Location: Midwest US

Re: sign language

Post by Sharon Leigh » Sun Dec 01, 2019 1:30 am

Hi Dave :)

A very fine write! I love the texture of the opening stanza, a perfect setting for establishing atmosphere for the reader straight off. This has your characteristic measured tone and pace, which spotlights its imagery and message perfectly. Your careful use of internal rhyme is just gorgeous here. It has the effect of the reader experiencing the poem as a painting, of sorts. Lovely
"This creature of the poem may assemble itself into a being with its own centrifugal force."-- Sharon Olds

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