Welcome to The Tangled Branch!  Join us.

error

General Poetry - post, comment, review, critique
Post Reply
Matty11
Posts: 1585
Joined: Thu Jan 11, 2018 7:58 pm

Re: Silence

Post by Matty11 » Fri Nov 29, 2019 12:07 am

Enjoyed this AT. The L1 imperative grabs the reader and the subsequent phrasing and reflection keeps the reader hooked.

best

Phil

Dave
Posts: 1991
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 9:07 am

Re: Silence

Post by Dave » Fri Nov 29, 2019 6:16 am

To some extent I agree with Phil and to some extent not. I really liked the opening too - nice sensory language and good use of sounds with based around S and L.
But once beyond that opening the poem becomes increasingly telly and formulated around highly debatable statements. The final stanza is a bit simplistic and trite. I did not buy it at all. Too much is explained so that the actual poem loses out to the opinion.

However, as I said that opening set of lines gripped me. 

Nice to know though people's reactions can be different.

Dave
Posts: 1991
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 9:07 am

Re: Silence

Post by Dave » Fri Nov 29, 2019 6:19 am

Oh and the last stanza is too bouncy and restless, too dynamic to really reflect silence.

User avatar
Colm Roe
Posts: 2697
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 12:45 am

Re: Silence

Post by Colm Roe » Fri Nov 29, 2019 8:26 pm

The poem exists in S1. And it's a rather good stanza. The finish can be easily tidied up.
My suggested edit would be something like this...

Silence isn’t soundless. Lean in, listen
it projects an awkward energy, and hums you
to become your own audience.
Embrace it,
anchor yourself to its soundtrack.
In these moments worlds pause
to acknowledge the space of you.
Fill them, steady and slow...
it won’t last. 

Take or leave. But it resonated, and I enjoyed the read.

 

Sharon Leigh
Posts: 272
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 4:07 am
Location: Midwest US

Re: Silence

Post by Sharon Leigh » Sat Nov 30, 2019 6:21 pm

Fine poeming... as others have mentioned, I too feel your poem resides in S1, with S's 2 and 3 redundant, abstract & a tiny tad preachy (to me.) Stanza one struck me right off with its fine choice of line breaks, I read and re-read and it's honestly perfect as it is, imo. Much enjoyed, and I agree with its sentiment :) 
"This creature of the poem may assemble itself into a being with its own centrifugal force."-- Sharon Olds

User avatar
Tracy Mitchell
Posts: 3179
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 3:58 pm

Re: Silence

Post by Tracy Mitchell » Sat Dec 28, 2019 4:08 pm

The opening line is engaging and provides a nice lead-in.   You take a unique approach to the topic.    I very much like the core of this poem.  My suggestion is to consider paring out the sidetracks – stanza two, and line two of stanza three, as entertaining as they may be.  

A few adjectives may also be profitably cut.  Your goal of course is to sharpen the main thrust of this poem.

Cheers.

T

Post Reply