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Ink

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Colm Roe
Posts: 938
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 7:45 am

Ink

Post by Colm Roe » Fri Nov 15, 2019 2:48 am

Some events 
press stamps on your passport, 
tattoo their ink on fibres, some
still too wet to hold more horror, or
still shake too much
so the words blur and shift
in wild confusions,
when brave enough to recollect.

Some recollections hold,
those dried instantly ones, documents
you know are there, somewhere,
you'll find them eventually.

Like birth certs in the attic
cocooned in a cardboard box,
securely layered between all those photos
and the stupid things you kept for no reason;
letters and poetry 
keys without locks.

They'll confuse your children when you're gone,
one or two will be kept (if you were a good parent)
but they'll burn most of you.
And if you can, as a good parent 
your breath will fan the flames.
  

 
 

Dave
Posts: 583
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 4:07 pm

Re: Ink

Post by Dave » Fri Nov 15, 2019 1:17 pm

Hey Colm
There is undoubtedly a good poem trying to get out here but in my view the poem is hampered by wayward and erratic syntax and punctuation that sometimes does work for me - any maybe only for me.
What shakes in line 5?
What is brave in line 8?
Maybe I am thick but I don't know what the fibres belong to.

In S 2,it also took a while to really piece things together. Should dried instantly have a hyphen perhaps or read the other way round as instantly dried?

In stanza 3 you have they'll three times but once the children and once the things in the attic (more specifically letters I suppose since they are about to be burnt). However, the way the poem reads at the moment is that the letters will confuse the children and burn some of the letters while keeping some. I am pretty you want to say that the children will do the burning.

In the last two lines there is some confusion too as it says 'can' in line one but this is followed by breath (a noun), where logically a verb should stand as in breathe. Something like' And if you can, as a parent,
you will breathe to fan the flames.'

Hope this makes sense and gives you something to work on.
 

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Colm Roe
Posts: 938
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 7:45 am

Re: Ink

Post by Colm Roe » Sat Nov 16, 2019 2:28 am

Thanks for reading Dave.
I disagree (quelle surprise) that there's a poem trying to get out. I know it requires some editing...but not too much.

L5 the 'fibres' shake...Collins Dictionary 'If you say that you feel something with every fibre of your being, you mean that you feel it very deeply.' 

'What is brave in line 8?' Not what...who! 
 
'Dried instantly' Could be hyphenated; but would you read it in a different way? No. Instantly dried sounds too much like food. Grammatically you are probably correct, but....
 
Using 'they'll' three times. I was aware of that; it sounded ok when I wrote it, but I agree, it jars. When I remove one of them you'll be less confused.

'your breath will fan the flames.' Original.
'you will breathe to fan the flames.' Your suggestion...but which one reads better?

Thanks for your comments.


 

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