Welcome to The Tangled Branch! Join us.
Fragments of You & a Glass of Pinot (11:38 pm)
Fragments of You & a Glass of Pinot (11:38 pm)
xxxxxxxx
xxxxxxxx
xxxxxxxx
xxxxxxxx
xxxxxxxx
Last edited by Tim J Brennan on Tue Jan 15, 2019 5:00 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Re: Fragments of You & a Glass of Pinot (11:38 pm)
Very cliched opening S.
Then the middle stanzas make amends in spades.
Final S unfortunately drops back to cliche.
Love S4.
Then the middle stanzas make amends in spades.
Final S unfortunately drops back to cliche.
Love S4.
Re: Fragments of You & a Glass of Pinot (11:38 pm)
I would love to see the moon shards and crystals forming on the windows even more conflated as if it involves some metaphysical cause and effect. Dust, IMO has no place in the imagery. I believe it is meant to convey the formation and then loss of crystal imagery as an analogy for the coming and going of the object of the poem but it doesn't quite work. The final S is kind of abstract---it feels tossed-off as if it had to end somehow.
Re: Fragments of You & a Glass of Pinot (11:38 pm)
indar wrote: ↑Sat Dec 22, 2018 10:03 amI would love to see the moon shards and crystals forming on the windows even more conflated as if it involves some metaphysical cause and effect. Dust, IMO has no place in the imagery. I believe it is meant to convey the formation and then loss of crystal imagery as an analogy for the coming and going of the object of the poem but it doesn't quite work. The final S is kind of abstract---it feels tossed-off as if it had to end somehow.
Sounds like Colm is over here and you are over there, as far as dust.
But you both don't like the end, so I can see editing or cutting that.
Re: Fragments of You & a Glass of Pinot (11:38 pm)
Oh I think Colm and I agree on most of those middle stanzas. its the dust and sun that took me to some desert outpost for a moment.
Re: Fragments of You & a Glass of Pinot (11:38 pm)
If, every time you post a poem, you listen to what everyone says you will become a master of the 2-word poem
Re: Fragments of You & a Glass of Pinot (11:38 pm)
Me, we
by Muhammed Ali
It's the only one I know by anyone remotely famous.
I make edits but only if there is a consensus among posters. Some folks suggest things w/o giving things much thought. The "I think it sounds better..." type thinking or the "I'd write it this way" logic is pointless. I'll listen to a valid reason.
Last edited by Tim J Brennan on Tue Dec 25, 2018 8:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.
- Marc Gilbert
- Posts: 145
- Joined: Sat Jan 06, 2018 7:02 am
- Location: Chicago, USA
- Contact:
Re: Fragments of You & a Glass of Pinot (11:38 pm)
The opening stanza feels like a false start. The poem develops nicely thereafter. Also, recommend chucking a couple gerunds to give the verbs in stanzas 2 & 3 a little more oomph:
much like single words bearing
abstract ideas, or how memories reflect
on a mid-December evening and blending
like crystal on the outside
Just some thoughts.
much like single words bearing
abstract ideas, or how memories reflect
on a mid-December evening and blending
like crystal on the outside
Just some thoughts.
"Poetry is not speech raised to the level of music, but music brought down to the level of speech." - Paul Valery