The longing of my heart

Julie James · Post by **Julie James** » Tue Nov 06, 2018 10:53 pm

On earlier days I have surrounded by depression
My nights have suffered from turmoil of dreams
I lost my peace and dying by a thousand cuts
And I'm almost at the end of the breath

I'm realizing myself as a reflection of all evilness
My heart has sunk under the shades of ignorance
I even don't have a right for asking forgiveness
I know, heaven will not be the place for my soul

I will be retributed for all of my sins, but before that
I wish to get into heaven at once to see your presence
I hope, my heart would get peace after perceiving your love
Your holiness would dump all cruel thoughts from my heart

I'll happily get into the doors of hell, If I see your face
But I'm worrying that you may not want to see this devil
My dear, It would be my last wish at death's door
would you show your almighty for this hopeless soul?

Note : It's a letter from a feeble lover who's almost closer to death to his deceased lover. I think it might be fallen under category of epistle or letter poetry.

Note : I know it would not fulfill the terms of poetry and it's lack of imagery and also has abstract language. But I just wrote it as a reflection of thoughts from that character.

Post by **indar** » Wed Nov 07, 2018 5:18 pm

This almost reads like the Passion writings of one of the saints. I could imagine the N imploring God for that one moment rather than another human being.

Julie James · Post by **Julie James** » Wed Nov 07, 2018 5:57 pm

Hi Indar,
I wrote this for my deceased lover. I consider she as a goddess. So it may sound like passion writings of saints to god.

Dave · Post by **Dave** » Wed Nov 07, 2018 11:05 pm

It would be important to know if the English is colloquial since linguistically it is not 'standard' in its useage. For example, i have surrounded by depression makes no real sense.

I would say it fulfill the terms of poetry but qualitatively has issues

Julie James · Post by **Julie James** » Thu Nov 08, 2018 12:21 am

Hi Dave,
Thank you for your valuable comment. I will rectify my mistakes. And I would be more thankful if you have point out some other mistakes I made in this poem.

Dave · Post by **Dave** » Fri Nov 09, 2018 3:28 am

I used to be afflicted by depression (this tells too much - showing would be better)
My nights suffered from turmoil
I lost peace and died by a thousand cuts
Finally I'm almost at my end

I realize I am a reflection of all evil
My heart sunk under the shades of ignorance
I have no right to ask forgiveness
Heaven will not be the place for my soul

I will be punished for my sins, but before
I wish to get to heaven to see your presence
I hope for peace after perceiving your love
and your holiness dumps all my cruel thoughts

I'll happily go to hell, If I may see your face
though you may not want to see this devil
My dear, It would be my last wish at death's door
if you displayed your almighty love to this hopeless soul

Those would be my suggestions. However, some will find this smoothes out much of what makes this personal and individual. I don't want to say anything to the content as your personal beliefs on display here except these kinds of sentiments are quite alien to my own thinking so the content remains somewhat archaic for me.

Julie James · Post by **Julie James** » Fri Nov 09, 2018 7:13 pm

Hi Dave,
Did you find it as worst ?

Post by **Tom** » Sat Nov 24, 2018 8:12 am

I think I best understand this as a period piece. It could fit, for example, as a monologue in a 17th century play. As a modern poem, I am unable to get a handle on it's point of reference.

Cheers.

T

The Tangled Branch Discussion Forums

For writers and readers of poetry