General Poetry - post, comment, review, critique
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Tim J Brennan
Post
by Tim J Brennan » Tue Jan 23, 2018 3:06 pm
Matty11 wrote: ↑Tue Jan 23, 2018 2:07 pm
beyond
the pristine picket fence
I wonder if the very effective dead/stained/rusted/moldy images could be a set-up for an ambition to resist the decay? Glimpse an alternative narrative to neighbourhood life (the white hints this, but perhaps foreground?)
best
Phil
Thanks, Matty.
Actually, all the "junk" on the porch...not much commentary to shade how the N actually feels about it, yet the clothesline is a "goddamn" clothesline. Don't want to get too overboard w/a "pristine" fence. Something to think about, for sure, but for now am satisfied w/the presentation.
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Tom
- Posts: 258
- Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 9:09 pm
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by Tom » Tue Jan 23, 2018 3:15 pm
Off course 40 watt - typo.
That is the porch which would have a dim bulb [like me
].
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Mark
- Posts: 588
- Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 4:19 am
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by Mark » Wed Jan 24, 2018 2:15 am
Good poem, well-balanced elements including a touch of humour or is it pathos? Enjoyed, thanks for posting.
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Tim J Brennan
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by Tim J Brennan » Wed Jan 24, 2018 7:58 am
Mark wrote: ↑Wed Jan 24, 2018 2:15 am
Good poem, well-balanced elements including a touch of humour or is it pathos? Enjoyed, thanks for posting.
If you're asking, hopefully a little of both.
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Colm Roe
- Posts: 2986
- Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 12:45 am
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by Colm Roe » Thu Jan 25, 2018 3:33 am
Time to move house.
Really enjoyed reading this, great final stanza.
This one demands a live performance.
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Marc Gilbert
- Posts: 186
- Joined: Sat Jan 06, 2018 7:02 am
- Location: Wakefield, MI - USA
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Contact:
Post
by Marc Gilbert » Thu Jan 25, 2018 7:50 am
I like this a lot. Great flow and sonics almost hidden, they're so skillful applied One suggestion (and a weird one) Change "goddamn" to "fucking". The stresses on the syllables of goddamn are almost equally weighted and the resulting semi-stop seems a bit hard. You may want that effect for emphasis, not sure.
An unusual suggestion and I can see being opposed to the use of the word.
"Poetry is not speech raised to the level of music, but music brought down to the level of speech." - Paul Valery
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Tim J Brennan
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by Tim J Brennan » Fri Jan 26, 2018 7:18 am
Colm Roe wrote: ↑Thu Jan 25, 2018 3:33 am
Time to move house.
Really enjoyed reading this, great final stanza.
This one demands a live performance.
Thank you. I have not yet brought this to a reading. First part of February, maybe. Based on some of the comments / suggestions, I am still fiddling with it. Glad you enjoyed.
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Tim J Brennan
Post
by Tim J Brennan » Fri Jan 26, 2018 7:22 am
Marc Gilbert wrote: ↑Thu Jan 25, 2018 7:50 am
I like this a lot. Great flow and sonics almost hidden, they're so skillful applied One suggestion (and a weird one) Change "goddamn" to "fucking". The stresses on the syllables of goddamn are almost equally weighted and the resulting semi-stop seems a bit hard. You may want that effect for emphasis, not sure.
An unusual suggestion and I can see being opposed to the use of the word.
Not so unusual, and I greatly appreciate it, but I will decline this suggestion.
Reason: "fucking" (and all its derivatives) is the most overused profanity on the planet. My ears are not virgin ears, and I have been known to use the word on occasion (especially on the golf course), I try and save it for special occasions. And only when I really mean it.
Glad you like the poem. I am overwhelmed by this poem's response here, being my first foray into the entanglement.
