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this ones called Cynthia
this ones called Cynthia
The elderly women
that lives downstairs
waits at night
for the
mailman
It's about 9pm pacific
as i head back from an hr
of therapy and grieving
at Golds
"Have you seen the mailman today Sam?"
She asks in her paranoia
"No I haven't Cynthia, I dont think the mailman comes this hour"
"YES he does!"
The next day turns over
After a half day filled with
thoughts weed and more thoughts
Approximately 3pm
"Have you seen the mailman yet Sam?"
"Not yet Cynthia"
I head out for some more
grieving and therapy
at the mecca
Approximately 8:30 pm pacific
"Sam, have you seen the mailman?! I am expecting a package"
"I have not Cynthia.....I'll come down and knock if I see him though"
She keeps doing this
every day
every night
Waiting by the gated entrance
Her eyes in the shape of a spiders web
as she firmly peaks
through the bars
awaiting her package
that never comes
if only she didn't have to pretend
to have friends
we'd all be living
in harmony
that lives downstairs
waits at night
for the
mailman
It's about 9pm pacific
as i head back from an hr
of therapy and grieving
at Golds
"Have you seen the mailman today Sam?"
She asks in her paranoia
"No I haven't Cynthia, I dont think the mailman comes this hour"
"YES he does!"
The next day turns over
After a half day filled with
thoughts weed and more thoughts
Approximately 3pm
"Have you seen the mailman yet Sam?"
"Not yet Cynthia"
I head out for some more
grieving and therapy
at the mecca
Approximately 8:30 pm pacific
"Sam, have you seen the mailman?! I am expecting a package"
"I have not Cynthia.....I'll come down and knock if I see him though"
She keeps doing this
every day
every night
Waiting by the gated entrance
Her eyes in the shape of a spiders web
as she firmly peaks
through the bars
awaiting her package
that never comes
if only she didn't have to pretend
to have friends
we'd all be living
in harmony
Re: this ones called Cynthia
There is a good and interesting encounter and sub-text to the poem, which is spoiled slightly by inconsistent capitalization and a tendency to explain too much. The first stanza good disappear altogether and improve the poem, while the end is a bit of a let down in my opinion as it comes across as a rather unkind reflection and is too telly. Up to that point there was a real encounter here of sorts and a good counterpoint between grief counselling and the loneliness of the old woman.
I found it more interesting not to know exactly what the reason for her questioning was: alzheimers, dementia, loneliness, nosiness.
But welcome and I look forward to more.
Dave
I found it more interesting not to know exactly what the reason for her questioning was: alzheimers, dementia, loneliness, nosiness.
But welcome and I look forward to more.
Dave
Re: this ones called Cynthia
thank u dave for your thoughts!! I will definitely consider them. would it have been better you think if i disregard the final giveaway and let the reader imagine for him/herself?
Re: this ones called Cynthia
I like this very much, samwhool.
What if you simply remove the last 4 lines...................
Aj
What if you simply remove the last 4 lines...................
Aj
Re: this ones called Cynthia
Hi and welcome sam
Lots to like here. It needs to be pruned. Apostrophe in your title please...one's.
The repeated time telling would be better done by showing; instead of saying 'Approximately 3pm' say
'an hour after yet another bad lunch' or something like that.
What is Golds? I initially thought it was a shrink...but now think it's a gym? Apostrophe!
If it was mine I'd finish like this.
I'm an actor in her life now,
and for a few moments
every day
we groundhog.
I recite my lines on cue,
hope they give some comfort, a balm
to calm spider web eyes
that strain and stretch
beyond hope.
Anywho, your teacher was right...you show great promise.
Keep writing.
Lots to like here. It needs to be pruned. Apostrophe in your title please...one's.
The repeated time telling would be better done by showing; instead of saying 'Approximately 3pm' say
'an hour after yet another bad lunch' or something like that.
What is Golds? I initially thought it was a shrink...but now think it's a gym? Apostrophe!
If it was mine I'd finish like this.
I'm an actor in her life now,
and for a few moments
every day
we groundhog.
I recite my lines on cue,
hope they give some comfort, a balm
to calm spider web eyes
that strain and stretch
beyond hope.
Anywho, your teacher was right...you show great promise.
Keep writing.
Re: this ones called Cynthia
Hi Sam and welcome,
I am certain you have tapped into an experience many readers will find familiar. My first experience was with my Grandmother who called all hours of the day, every day of the week to tell me she was sorry she couldn't get to church services this morning because of the bad weather (no matter what the weather). I gave up telling her who I was and just impersonated the church secretary and told her I Understand, please stay home and take care of yourself. The reassurance I gave her sometimes lasted less than an hour. It's so hard to think what is bedeviling someone so lost in their troubling reality. Your poem has captured the anxiety of the lady downstairs and need by the N to try to help. Very interesting first entry on our forum I look forward to more of your work.
Linda
I am certain you have tapped into an experience many readers will find familiar. My first experience was with my Grandmother who called all hours of the day, every day of the week to tell me she was sorry she couldn't get to church services this morning because of the bad weather (no matter what the weather). I gave up telling her who I was and just impersonated the church secretary and told her I Understand, please stay home and take care of yourself. The reassurance I gave her sometimes lasted less than an hour. It's so hard to think what is bedeviling someone so lost in their troubling reality. Your poem has captured the anxiety of the lady downstairs and need by the N to try to help. Very interesting first entry on our forum I look forward to more of your work.
Linda
Re: this ones called Cynthia
hi
I agree with Linda that you have tapped into a situation with which many will connect. The use of repetition in the context is effective. I liked the ending. There was a poignancy in the wished for as opposed to the hard reality.
best
Phil
I agree with Linda that you have tapped into a situation with which many will connect. The use of repetition in the context is effective. I liked the ending. There was a poignancy in the wished for as opposed to the hard reality.
best
Phil
Re: this ones called Cynthia
I like a lot of this and its Yellow Wallpaper-esque theme. I'm thrown off by the relevance of the gym trips though, if N is going to the same place twice and calling it mecca that ought to have some purpose in the narrative, no? Maybe just tie up a few loose ends and do a bit of proofreading and i think itll shine
- Tracy Mitchell
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Re: this ones called Cynthia
Sam -- are you still around?
Re: this ones called Cynthia
An impressive intro.
As a former postman/mailman I met all too many of these lost souls waiting for the letter/package which never came.
As a counterbalance I also had one little old lady, in the early 2000s, burst out through her door to hug me, eyes sparkling. "Darlink! That letter you delivered yesterday, with the Polish stamp. It was from an old friend I've not heard from since we were in the camps together." The shadow on her face whenever - very rarely - she spoke of 'the camps' was almost erased by the sparkle in her eyes and the wonder in her voice.
Gyppo
PS: You have the wrong 'peaks' unless that's an American spelling.
Peaks: Tops of mountains or an athlete's best performance.
Peeks: Looks out at, usually cautiously or shyly.
As a former postman/mailman I met all too many of these lost souls waiting for the letter/package which never came.
As a counterbalance I also had one little old lady, in the early 2000s, burst out through her door to hug me, eyes sparkling. "Darlink! That letter you delivered yesterday, with the Polish stamp. It was from an old friend I've not heard from since we were in the camps together." The shadow on her face whenever - very rarely - she spoke of 'the camps' was almost erased by the sparkle in her eyes and the wonder in her voice.
Gyppo
PS: You have the wrong 'peaks' unless that's an American spelling.
Peaks: Tops of mountains or an athlete's best performance.
Peeks: Looks out at, usually cautiously or shyly.
I've been writing ever since I realised I could. Storytelling since I started talking. Poetry however comes and goes