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A poem that lost its voice

General Poetry - post, comment, review, critique
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Matty11
Posts: 510
Joined: Fri Jan 12, 2018 2:58 am

A poem that lost its voice

Post by Matty11 » Tue Jan 14, 2020 4:34 am

is mouthing on a hook
cast into the pond

where pike swallow
each other

with abstract
appetites

=======================

(revision: replaced unreasoning with abstract) and removed the in L3
Last edited by Matty11 on Sat Jan 18, 2020 3:32 am, edited 2 times in total.

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Tracy Mitchell
Posts: 1633
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 10:58 pm

Re: A poem that lost its voice

Post by Tracy Mitchell » Tue Jan 14, 2020 7:53 pm

Love this Phil.  
Awesome opening line -- so graphic.
S.2 L.1 -- delete "the"?  - just asking.

Cheers.

T

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Colm Roe
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Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 7:45 am

Re: A poem that lost its voice

Post by Colm Roe » Wed Jan 15, 2020 1:32 am

That's a neat little poem Phil :)

Sharon Leigh
Posts: 222
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 11:07 am
Location: Midwest US

Re: A poem that lost its voice

Post by Sharon Leigh » Thu Jan 16, 2020 4:42 am

Wonderful, kept wanting there to be some allusion to the waters being "shallow" too ;) 
"This creature of the poem may assemble itself into a being with its own centrifugal force."-- Sharon Olds

Trish Saunders
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Joined: Tue Jan 23, 2018 12:05 am

Re: A poem that lost its voice

Post by Trish Saunders » Thu Jan 16, 2020 8:10 pm

Usually avoid poems about poems but I enjoyed this very much, with its brief, biting images. 

Matty11
Posts: 510
Joined: Fri Jan 12, 2018 2:58 am

Re: A poem that lost its voice

Post by Matty11 » Sat Jan 18, 2020 3:35 am

Thanks Trish, Sharon, Colm and T.

S.2 L.1 -- delete "the"?

Agreed T. Thanks for that.

cheers

phil

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