General Poetry - post, comment, review, critique
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Sharon Leigh
- Posts: 450
- Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 4:07 am
- Location: Midwest US
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by Sharon Leigh » Wed Jan 15, 2020 9:17 pm
Hi Phil,
Love this. A "knitting voice"... Fantastic, I wish I'd written it. I'm struck by the lilting motion here throughout, echoing the rocking of the sea, and such lovely, pleasing sonics. A joy to read
Matty11 wrote: ↑Thu Dec 26, 2019 9:06 pm
I could murder a cuppa
mutters a knitting voice,
her claws purling patterns
the Fair Isle way.
The kettle whistles, the brew
as warming as a jumper -
outside gulls rock and roll
drunk on a burgundy sky.
The winged ways gleam
in those full-throated, fish
-happy voices. She hears
the thrill of fraying waves.
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Dave
- Posts: 2072
- Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 9:07 am
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by Dave » Thu Jan 16, 2020 12:03 pm
Visually strong and beautiful use of sound and tone.
Dave
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Trish Saunders
- Posts: 18
- Joined: Mon Jan 22, 2018 5:05 pm
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by Trish Saunders » Thu Jan 16, 2020 12:51 pm
The first line,
I could murder a cuppa,
I found a little over-familiar ... not quite the equal to the fine poem that follows.
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Matty11
- Posts: 1796
- Joined: Thu Jan 11, 2018 7:58 pm
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by Matty11 » Thu Jan 16, 2020 9:32 pm
Thanks P, Sharon, Dave and Trish. Pleased you all found something in this attempt.
I could murder a cuppa,
I found a little over-familiar
The intention was to convey the mundane, though there was a clearer intent to suggest repressed emotions in another version I have so perhaps it is a bit of a leftover.
best
Phil
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Trish Saunders
- Posts: 18
- Joined: Mon Jan 22, 2018 5:05 pm
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by Trish Saunders » Thu Jan 16, 2020 11:32 pm
"convey the mundane" - yes, I see that. How to put this? Maybe there is a more original way of expressing mundanity?
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Matty11
- Posts: 1796
- Joined: Thu Jan 11, 2018 7:58 pm
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by Matty11 » Fri Jan 17, 2020 1:43 am
Thanks for coming back Trish. I'll have a ponder, though the expression is that of the speaker and pitches her 'comfort habit'.
best
Phil
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Tim J Brennan
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by Tim J Brennan » Fri Jan 17, 2020 9:13 am
Matty11 wrote: ↑Thu Dec 26, 2019 9:06 pm
I could murder a cuppa
mutters a knitting voice,
her claws purling patterns
the Fair Isle way.
The kettle whistles, the brew
as warming as a jumper -
outside gulls rock and roll
drunk on a burgundy sky.
The winged ways gleam
in those full-throated, fish
-happy voices. She hears
the thrill of fraying waves.
I love a poem that's been edited 18 times. Shows stamina.
Read this a few times now and I keep hearing verses from South Pacific. Maybe, Don Ho. Or even a mature Disney movie w/drunk gulls doing a little Rock 'n' Roll (which is how I would write it if that is indeed what you are referring to). At least that's how it shows at the Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame...I went there last summer.
Fun read. I feel refreshed when I read it.
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indar
- Posts: 3038
- Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 8:00 am
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by indar » Fri Jan 17, 2020 12:55 pm
What a word picture! I think I have figured out a few unfamiliar terms: Jumper, for instance, must be some kind of warm clothing--that's good enough for me.
I have done enough knitting to know what purling is--the knit stitch backwards. I am hearing the voice of an elderly woman (hands clawed from age) discussing tea. Nice contrast between the boiling tea kettle and the (implied) wind-driven cold sea. The rock and roll gulls reflect the sea-motion and I absolutely LOVE the burgundy sky and fraying waves. A homey scene inside and rollicking action outside--contrasts throughout. Wonderful write Phil.
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Matty11
- Posts: 1796
- Joined: Thu Jan 11, 2018 7:58 pm
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by Matty11 » Fri Jan 17, 2020 7:48 pm
Thank you Tim and Linda.
I am hearing the voice of an elderly woman (hands clawed from age)
Great, pleased that one worked.
drunk gulls doing a little Rock 'n' Roll (which is how I would write it if that is indeed what you
I like that suggestion. I feel another edit coming
all the best
Phil