a flock of breaths 1&2

[Colm Roe]

A flock of breaths 
emerges from the branches.     
You have unwrapped
yourself from around my torso.
A flurry of images flees from view,    
dreams are as fleeting
as the time it takes
to fly from one shore
of consciousness to another.

This has been wrecking my head all day. They are both similar...but I'd be more inclined to say ''emerge' and 'flee'
A group of men run for cover, or does a group of men runs for cover? 
Would a flurry of men flees?
IMO I'd go with emerge and flee!

Anywho, love the title. And the poem ain't half bad either. Lots of images to play with.


 

[Granda]

Would, "flapping images in a flurry, flee from view," seem too out there?

[Mark]

I enjoyed the read. Nice ephemeral feel to the piece with some original phrasing. The A flock of breaths and a flurry of images lines seem a little tangled around the plural/singular aspects although you have it grammatically correct. But I like the dreamy, thoughtful tone and the piece as a whole works well. 

[Tracy Mitchell]

The Shores of Consciousness

That might be my title. There is much concrete imagery to what is basically a dream-poem. I like the layers of this, and the weaving of the threads.

A thought on the opening lines --

A flock of breaths
emerges from the branches. >>

Flocks of breaths
emerge from branches.

Evens the flow, drops an "S" sound.
Just wondering.

Solid, solid poem, Dave.

T

[Dave]

Thanks Tracy and good suggestion for the opening line

[indar]

I missed this one for a while so don't know how it has evolved but I didn't catch on any tenses or disagreement between sing/plural.

That said, I love the poem--as someone else said there is a dreamlike quality and I find it engaging and well-written.