a flock of breaths 1&2

Dave · Post by **Dave** » Fri Jan 11, 2019 5:50 am

Other version

A flock of breaths
emerges from the branches.
You have unwrapped
yourself from around my torso.
A flurry of images flees from view,
dreams are as fleeting
as the time it takes
to fly from one shore
of consciousness to another.

Now I face you,
or the shadow
shaped as you.
We root ourselves
before morning comes,
before we return to prose.

I envelope you
to return to a ledge
from which to fall
into flight.

Granda · Post by **Granda** » Fri Jan 11, 2019 7:15 pm

Hiya Dave. There's some good imagery here. BUT it's overshadowed by the PP. It's not doing this any favours. I'd drop it if it was mine.
Also, those commas and breaks throw one out of the work. They jar.

I'd love to see this re-written and edited to suit.

E.G.

A flock of breaths emerge from the branches
nestled in my lungs, just, and only.
Because you have moved the night
wrapped around my torso. A flurry
of images pirouette and flees from view.
look! they seem to say, stories are as fleeting
as a glance in the mirror, or the time it takes
to row from one shore of consciousness to another.

Now I face you, or the shadow that is you
in this bed where we seek to root ourselves.
Before morning comes.
Before we return
to prose.
Now I envelop you,
and you press your seed against my warm earth.
Bring those dreams back to roost.

We perch on a ledge from which,
at any moment,
we might fall
were we not clothed
in each other's wings.

Just a bit of tinkering. I hope it doesn't offend.

Dave · Post by **Dave** » Sat Jan 12, 2019 1:48 am

Thanks Brian and no I am not offended. You have done a good job with this. However, being a bit thick i don't know what PP is.

Granda · Post by **Granda** » Sat Jan 12, 2019 3:02 am

PP =purple Prose. Flowery words. Cliche'd words. Words that sound good but aren't.

Granda · Post by **Granda** » Sun Jan 13, 2019 5:20 am

Imo, much improved.

Dave · Post by **Dave** » Mon Jan 14, 2019 8:30 am

Thanks Brien

Dave · Post by **Dave** » Mon Jan 14, 2019 11:08 am

Sorry about the spelling. Wrote in a hurry

Post by **Marc Gilbert** » Mon Jan 14, 2019 12:48 pm

I love this one, Dave. There is so much packed in here and at no point does it feel contrived or appear to be trying to hard. The "root ourselves" line, short and simple as it may be, speaks so much.

Minor nits, suggest:

A flurry of images flees from view,
dreams are as fleeting...

That's it, and I'm not even sure about those. Did I mention that I love this one?

marc

Dave · Post by **Dave** » Mon Jan 14, 2019 2:07 pm

Thanks Mark. I did revise the original and that the original commented on by granda has gone. Thanks for the positive response and good corrections

Dave · Post by **Dave** » Mon Jan 14, 2019 2:09 pm

Oh the original is in red with better formatting thanks to Brian and now i see flurry of images flees is because flurry is singular. Have to think about that one

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