Positions

[Colm Roe]

To the left a bible             fiction

my right arm considers a masturbation--------------- fact
a wasting of            s    e     e      d      s

a moisture of confusion, a reduction

a rethink. 

to the right a new book,
blank with innocence

a waiting
of words that don't hurt
or revelations

in the middle
my hand holds a position 

hard.
 

 

[Tim J Brennan]

...getting off on the Bible   plus all that white space.

[Marc Gilbert]

To the left a bible             fiction

my right arm considers a masturbation--------------- fact
a wasting of            s    e     e      d      s

a moisture of confusion, a reduction

a rethink. 

to the right a new book,
blank with innocence

a waiting
of words that don't hurt
or revelations

in the middle
my hand holds a position 

hard.
 

 

Cool stuff. Wasn't sure what to make of it from the first visual impression - the spacing the dashes, but they fall into place quickly upon reading. A few suggested tweaks in the form of a tinkering:

to the right a new book,
blank with and innocence

a waiting
of words that don't hurt
or revelations reveal <- I trust readers will make the connection even if more subtly presented.

BTW: I love the phrase "A waiting|of words" and the end is very strong. Potent poeming.

marc


 

[Colm Roe]

...getting off on the Bible   plus all that white space.

Getting off...not quite.
White space...just dipping my toes in the water,

[Colm Roe]

To the left a bible             fiction

my right arm considers a masturbation--------------- fact
a wasting of            s    e     e      d      s

a moisture of confusion, a reduction

a rethink. 

to the right a new book,
blank with innocence

a waiting
of words that don't hurt
or revelations

in the middle
my hand holds a position 

hard.
 

Cool stuff. Wasn't sure what to make of it from the first visual impression - the spacing the dashes, but they fall into place quickly upon reading. A few suggested tweaks in the form of a tinkering:

to the right a new book,
blank withand innocence

a waiting
of words that don't hurt
or revelationsreveal <- I trust readers will make the connection even if more subtly presented.

BTW: I love the phrase "A waiting|of words" and the end is very strong. Potent poeming.

marc


  

Marc,
Your suggested edits don't hurt. The first works (at least) equally as well. The second is spot on...this needs attention.
Glad you liked it. I was afraid this one would fall on barren soil. 
I appreciate your comments.
 

[Tim J Brennan]

...getting off on the Bible   plus all that white space.

Getting off...not quite.
White space...just dipping my toes in the water, 

Yeah, but you were thinking about it  
 

[Marc Gilbert]

To the left a bible             fiction

my right arm considers a masturbation--------------- fact
a wasting of            s    e     e      d      s

a moisture of confusion, a reduction

a rethink. 

to the right a new book,
blank with innocence

a waiting
of words that don't hurt
or revelations

in the middle
my hand holds a position 

hard.

Cool stuff. Wasn't sure what to make of it from the first visual impression - the spacing the dashes, but they fall into place quickly upon reading. A few suggested tweaks in the form of a tinkering:

to the right a new book,
blank withand innocence

a waiting
of words that don't hurt
or revelationsreveal <- I trust readers will make the connection even if more subtly presented.

BTW: I love the phrase "A waiting|of words" and the end is very strong. Potent poeming.

marc
  

Marc,
Your suggested edits don't hurt. The first works (at least) equally as well. The second is spot on...this needs attention.
Glad you liked it. I was afraid this one would fall on barren soil. 
I appreciate your comments.
  

Cool beans. The first suggestion is not a big one. Like the consonance of the additional "n" sound offered by "and'.

[Granda]

Love the poem for it's words. Not so fond of the spacing. Personally I think the poem's words should carry the grandeur of the meaning. Not how you space it. But that's just me and my own opinion. As ever, other opinions are available. 

[Colm Roe]

 

Cool beans. The first suggestion is not a big one. Like the consonance of the additional "n" sound offered by "and'.  

Kinda agree, and think a comma after 'blank'? Or 'blank' on a separate line?
 

[Colm Roe]

Love the poem for it's words. Not so fond of the spacing. Personally I think the poem's words should carry the grandeur of the meaning. Not how you space it. But that's just me and my own opinion. As ever, other opinions are available. 

Hi and welcome Granda (Bri),
The format was an experiment I probably won't repeat 
Glad you liked the essence 
Regards
drab