Passing On

[NM Oliver]

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[dploeser]

i would get rid of the line "a younger me"  i am not a fan of poems in this kind of format.  for me i have to work to hard to read it. but i like the images and the last line is great.

[NM Oliver]

i would get rid of the line "a younger me"  i am not a fan of poems in this kind of format.  for me i have to work to hard to read it. but i like the images and the last line is great.

Hi there thanks for reading.
If I drop that line then I would be saying that the boy is among potato drills, which he isn't. I'm saying his movements remind me of myself as a boy potato gathering. I hope when you read again that this becomes clearer.
As for the format, I have used punctuation so really it only lacks a stanza break but I felt the construction worked for this piece.
Thank you again, I will give the layout another think.

[Wren Tuatha]

This boy can move,
like a younger me
among potato drills,             .......Love the language, but distracted wondering what potato drills are
cool quick fingers
stooping and sorting.
His bucket rattling
with every deposit,
razors and clams         .........here I get he's not bucketing potatoes, but not sure 
flints for sundown,
carefully eyed out
below a yellow hood.
It's a family tradition         comma?
my Granda would say.     Granda? Grandad? Grandma? Then gender confused in next line
He held my bucket
on this same shore.      The boy or Granda? Granda, I assume
Wasn't wet that day,
just windy enough
to blow his smile
onto my face.             LLOOOOVVE THE ENDING!



I enjoyed this. I just wonder if the economy needs to be backed out a bit for those of us without that experience to get inside. Maybe not. Thank you!

 

[NM Oliver]

This boy can move,
like a younger me
among potato drills,             .......Love the language, but distracted wondering what potato drills are
cool quick fingers
stooping and sorting.
His bucket rattling
with every deposit,
razors and clams         .........here I get he's not bucketing potatoes, but not sure 
flints for sundown,
carefully eyed out
below a yellow hood.
It's a family tradition         comma?
my Granda would say.     Granda? Grandad? Grandma? Then gender confused in next line
He held my bucket
on this same shore.      The boy or Granda? Granda, I assume
Wasn't wet that day,
just windy enough
to blow his smile
onto my face.             LLOOOOVVE THE ENDING!



I enjoyed this. I just wonder if the economy needs to be backed out a bit for those of us without that experience to get inside. Maybe not. Thank you!

 

Hi Wren

Glad you enjoyed this. To your points:

Drills is the name given for the rows where potatoes are planted. They look like rows of mounded soil. Perhaps this is less known than I thought.

The boy is collecting shells and pebbles.

I should have a comma, thanks.

Granda - this is another name for grandad but maybe not used outside of Ireland? I did consider using grandad for that reason but thought id keep it authentic.

Therefore the he I'm referring to is Granda.

It's really interesting to hear your perspective and it confirms that not everything is universal.

Thanks for your thoughts Wren.

[Mark]

It's carefully written and makes for a good piece overall. The ending is a feel-good one.
I don't think the line lengths employed suit the tone of the writing. The imagery and setting seem more languid.
Not saying this is better, just experimenting from a different angle.

This boy can move,
like a younger me among potato drills,
cool quick fingers stooping and sorting.

His bucket rattling with every deposit,
razors and clams flints for sundown,
carefully eyed out below a yellow hood.

It's a family tradition, my Granda would say.
He held my bucket on this same shore.
Wasn't wet that day,
just windy enough
to blow his smile
onto my face. 

Notice how rearranging the line lengths makes subtle changes to the cadence and tone of the writing. Throws the syntax in S2 up to the light as well.  
 

[Wren Tuatha]

Thanks! I'm an old farm kid of Irish blood, but raised in Kentucky. Tobacco, race horses, not so many potatoes outside my grandmother's garden.

[Dave]

This is well written and a good read. Mark's edit is a superior reading experience though.

[NM Oliver]

It's carefully written and makes for a good piece overall. The ending is a feel-good one.
I don't think the line lengths employed suit the tone of the writing. The imagery and setting seem more languid.
Not saying this is better, just experimenting from a different angle.

This boy can move,
like a younger me among potato drills,
cool quick fingers stooping and sorting.His bucket rattling with every deposit,
razors and clams flints for sundown,
carefully eyed out below a yellow hood.

It's a family tradition, my Granda would say.
He held my bucket on this same shore.
Wasn't wet that day,
just windy enough
to blow his smile
onto my face.Notice how rearranging the line lengths makes subtle changes to the cadence and tone of the writing. Throws the syntax in S2 up to the light as well.  

Hi Mark

I had not considered another layout and I have to confess I do like what you have done here. In the original, I thought it had a nice rhythm to it but I can see the benefits of what you have suggested. 

Thanks for giving this your attention.

Niall.
 

[NM Oliver]

This is well written and a good read. Mark's edit is a superior reading experience though.

Thanks David. I feel you are right about that.