Candyland

[greenbean]

Can you and I float away on peppermint clouds
Play in the bubblegum forest with its many critters 
The lollipop tree and candy cane signs 
The ferocious jawbreaker stalks its prey 
Chasing cocoa rabbits and caramel caribou
I would go if you wanted to
To the hot chocolate swamp
Filled with marshmallows and cream
Indulging in-- 

“Stop,” they say
“Your teeth,” they say
“What would your mother think,” they say
And so I stop and think and think
And think and think and think some more
Smiles turn to lines turn upside down
And all of a sudden turn back again 

Can you and I ride in a flying car
Play in outer space with our alien friends
The asteroid belt and-- 

“Stop,” they say
“You can't,” they say
“What would your mother think,” they say
And so I stop and think and think
And think and think and think some more
Smiles turn to lines turn upside down
Until I finally start to frown
I slowly sit back at my desk
My heart sinking in my chest

[Tom]

Hi Greenbean,

Welcome to The Tangled Branch.  Glad you've found your way here.  You've posted an interesting poem.  I think you'll get some helpful feedback.

First thing, though, you will want to post an introduction of yourself here:

viewforum.php?f=352

Let me know if you have any difficulty getting around the site.

Cheers.

T

[Tracy Mitchell]

I have a sweet tooth, but even my teeth hurt from all of the sugar/candy references in the first stanza.

 But it seems the Narrator of the poem has an endless appetite for the saccharine. The opening of the first two stanzas – Can you and I float. . . / Can you and I ride. . .   – suggests this may be a relationship poem, but as the poem develops, the “you” seems more to be a playmate than a romantic interest, and not a particularly important one at that.  

Either the Narrator or target audience is very young, as the poem seems either narrated by a child or written for a child.  The sugar/candy references in S.1 are child-like, as well as the repeated lines: “What would your mother think,” they say / And so I stop and think and think / And think and think and think some more. . . .” Same with the smile upside down/frown play.   

The poem ends with the Narrator disappointed.  By what ‘they say’?  I don't follow this part.

The poem is a pleasant progression, but I am having a hard time reading it on a literal level or finding the allegory, symbolism.  

Just my thoughts on reading it.  Others may see it differently.

Cheers.

T

[indar]

On first read I thought of the song "Big Rock Candy Mountain" which was intended to be a song about the idea of heaven as envisioned by an early American hobo. The song has earlier roots:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Big_Rock_Candy_Mountain

Your poem combines the two elements of deprivation with over the top sweets and sugary abundance in an updated version perhaps of generational repression. Or maybe its a childrens story. 

Might I suggest you keep the origins of this type of theme in mind and take another look at your writing?

https://www.bing.com/search?q=big+rock+ ... lang=en-US

[greenbean]

But it seems the Narrator of the poem has an endless appetite for the saccharine. The opening of the first two stanzas – Can you and I float. . . / Can you and I ride. . .   – suggests this may be a relationship poem, but as the poem develops, the “you” seems more to be a playmate than a romantic interest, and not a particularly important one at that.  

Either the Narrator or target audience is very young, as the poem seems either narrated by a child or written for a child.  The sugar/candy references in S.1 are child-like, as well as the repeated lines: “What would your mother think,” they say / And so I stop and think and think / And think and think and think some more. . . .” Same with the smile upside down/frown play.   

The poem ends with the Narrator disappointed.  By what ‘they say’?  I don't follow this part.

The "they" implies the elder generation. It's meant to be a critique of systems, such as school, that attempt to crush individuality. I tried to format it so that the Narrator is talking to someone, whoever it is is not that important, but is essentially listening to the Narrator's simple chain of consciousness. 

The end begins to rhyme symbolizing the fact that the constant disapproval of originality has got to him. I'll try to clear it up to make it a little easier to understand. Thanks for the feedback

[Tracy Mitchell]

I loved the way the rhyme appeared as the poem was concluding.  I also understood the 'they' as the older generation.  I don't think your revisions need to be too substantial.

Cheers.

T

[Ike]

I really like this one. Left me reading with a smile the whole way through. The step back and "can you and I ride in a flying car" and "smiles turn to lines turn upside down" portions are really good in my opinion. I like your style of poetry

[Matty11]

The "they" implies the elder generation. It's meant to be a critique of systems, such as school, that attempt to crush individuality. I tried to format it so that the Narrator is talking to someone, whoever it is is not that important, but is essentially listening to the Narrator's simple chain of consciousness. 

The end begins to rhyme symbolizing the fact that the constant disapproval of originality has got to him. I'll try to clear it up to make it a little easier to understand. Thanks for the feedback

All of that came through in the reading. A most entertaining and fun read despite the outcome.

cheers

matty