To be Blind, or, All-Knowing

[skylightgreg]

Earth worms know
soft threads of sunrise
through heat of swelling soil
while their tunnels tell the tale of
home-spun darkness.

When sun gives way to
purpled clouds, each spilling
rain in bundles,
worms drill their way to
the surface, to breathe in open air.

Their pink robes dance and
glisten in the ether, like
ribbons of surmise.

If pores of light were eyes,
I do wonder whether
every worm would see
the clouded face
of infinity

now stretching
its way toward
finite realms

of all-consuming white.

[Mark]

Both US and UK spelling have it as a compound word – earthworms.

While not as overwrought as previous posts, the piece still seems to be more about itself – as a vehicle for creative description – than about the apparent narrative, which seems to build to the question whether if earthworms had eyesight, would they see infinity in the finite realm of clouds?
The hypothesis seems extremely unlikely on multiple levels and so the poem gives the impression that it is more about being a picture frame for a purple collation of word art.     
Speaking in the main, less is truly more – sparse outlines that spark the imagination or trigger a memory engage human attention and the reader's mind fills in the gaps.
A good poem can have six different readers with six different takeaways, so avoid reportage or overly tight descriptions.
Also, write from a close, unambiguous POV. One cannot be both detached and emotionally honest.
But enough advice. One last thing though, perhaps consider another title.  
As always, commentary is there to choose to use or lose.

You are new to this and still stretching around. But you have the imagination and language skills to be a good poet, finding your style and voice as you go along. The urge to write is the main thing.  
     
 

[skylightgreg]

I do like stretching poems in many directions.  This one definitely spins through the subconscious in interesting ways.   I kind of like it.  But I can definitely see why others would not.  I think that's why I posted it here, to invite criticism.  lol.

I have learned from the feedback on this site.  Thanks for offering yours!

[Dave]

Hey 
Mark has some very useful comments, which I would take to heart. I enjoy the way you experiemtn and try to stretch yourself with words and images. This as your other poems work best for me when the language is simpler and more direct and less inclined towards poetry and trying to show the magic of it all. As always the verbs are more interesting than the modifiers. In a sense I think you have given yourself the core of any poet's dilemma in that you write: "I kind of like it.  But I can definitely see why others would not.". The moment it is no longer a concern whether you or anyone "likes" a poem the better it will instantly become.

[Tracy Mitchell]

Greg,

You'll note that one of the benefits of shopping your poems here is that you can get a variety of opinions and reactions, some contradictory.  I can end up with a minority position, I usually prepare my comments before I read previous comments.  I want to approach a poem fresh without predisposition.  Anyhow.

This poem is both moving and original.  The poem starts with a strong first stanza--each line good.  Particularly like “home-spun darkness”.  Line 4 – I would be tempted to break the line after “tale” and start L.5 with “of. . . .”  it feels like a better enjambment to me.

S.2 – a compelling narrative, but consider replacing “open air”. [e.g. fresh, crisp, brisk, sparkling, pure, whole, waiting, humid, etc.]

S.3 L.3 –ribbons of surmise – an absolute killer phrase

S.4 – “the clouded face of infinity” – I like this phrase very much.  I am not sure I have more than a light grasp on what follows.  So much so that it feels to me that the poem could reasonably conclude with the line. 

I think the sense of the abstract drift of the ending eludes me.  It presents infinity stretching toward finite realms of white.  How about deleting the word “finite”?  For me that would help considerably. 

Just my thoughts/rambles.

Cheers.

T

[skygreg]

thanks, guys.   again, this one needs a lot of consideration.  i have definitely learned to emphasize verbs in my writing.  it does make all the difference.

i'll look at this with fresh eyes in a month or two.