Revealing or Burying

[Colm Roe]

Small things
hold the secrets,
aggregated
grains of sand or pastes of soil,
fixate and fascinate.

Colleges of unruly electrons
concealed,
yet smeared so far out, scream
'I'm here FFS!'

We'll see them eventually, probably,
not where they were supposed to be
but delighted by the introduction all the same.

Big things follow small ones,
misunderstandings and passion
will continue to unravel mysteries,
and bury corpses
under
grains of sand
and pastes of soil.

[TrevorConway]

Hi Colm,

Fascinating piece, and nicely executed. Good pace and tone to it. Some nice phrases. Anyway, some specific feedback below. Hope it helps.

Trev

Somehow, "Revealing/Burying" feels like a more interesting way of presenting the title. What do you think? 

Small things
hold the secrets, [maybe a stronger verb than "hold"? "clutch"? "covet"?]
aggregated [nice word choice for this idea]
grains of sand or pastes of soil,
fixate and fascinate. [Feels a bit to punny an too similar to each other. Can you improve on "fascinate"?]

Colleges of unruly electrons [Great description. I love creative use of a collective noun ]
concealed,
yet smeared so far out, scream
'I'm here FFS!' [Maybe the idea here could be slightly clearer, but it could be me. I kind of get it]

We'll see them eventually, probably, [Maybe "meet", not "see"? Fits nicely with the "introduction" later]
not where they were supposed to be
but delighted by the introduction all the same.

[I like the shift in tone for the rest, broadening things out more]

Big things follow small ones, [delete "ones"?]
misunderstandings and passion
will continue to unravel mysteries,
and bury corpses
under
grains of sand
and pastes of soil. [I wonder if it's best to avoid repeating "pastes of soil". Not sure, but maybe worth trying alternatives if you haven't already]


 

[Matty11]

Small things
hold the secrets

A reasonable assertion I feel, and yes I can relate to fixate and fascinate in the context.

We'll see them eventually, probably,
not where they were supposed to be

humour is sensible when being wise

best

Phil

[Colm Roe]

Thanks for the read and comments Phil.
Trev,
Yeah, not sure about the title either.
The electrons (in my mind) are frantically flying around, like children
looking for attention. Because they haven't actually been observed yet I
thought 'see' was better than 'meet'.
Big things follow small ones, [delete "ones"?] Yes, this line needs some attention.
The "pastes of soil" repeat? I loved the texture, and maybe it's a vain thing to repeat it...I couldn't help myself
The idea behind the poem is how we spend so much time trying to discover more information about the inner workings of
the quantum world while often doing our best to conceal our sins, inadequacies...and maybe the occasional corpse
Thanks for your comments and directions, always appreciated.

[indar]

Hmmm I thought you were contrasting something like entropy in the macro world to the action of particles that runs counter to lived experience, fixation on death, destruction, Armageddon, while the quantum world hums right along

[Colm Roe]

Hmmm I thought you were contrasting something like entropy in the macro world to the action of particles that runs counter to lived experience, fixation on death, destruction, Armageddon, while the quantum world hums right along

Yes Linda, that's close. We, who inhabit the macro world, create a lot of entropy. We have a hunger to discover 'truths' about it, while hiding our true selves (or parts of them) from others. The quantum world doesn't 'want' to conceal anything...but we sure as Hell do.

[Eric Ashford]

Late to the party here.
Clumps or colonies of micro minuscule beings - humn. Makes me wonder what then, what is the next move of
eternal geowth. Entropy or explosions of the as yet unthinkable?
I much enjoyed this rerad.

[Mark]

Perhaps Sand and Soil in the title? It does circle back in a return to ashes/dust sort of way which emphasis the general degradation of things theme going on. Cogent writing in an abstract sense. The pace seems well-controlled and supports the writing. I felt the FFS phrase could be improved with revision. Interesting read.

[Colm Roe]

Thanks Eric and Mark.
Yeah, I've often wondered about abbreviations and acronyms in poetry. They have different meanings, but are similar when understood. 
Thinking about it, the long form should be used here instead of the abbreviation...it looks lazy; unlike acronyms. 
All acronyms can be abbreviations, but all abbreviations cannot be acronyms.

[bruise]

Small things
hold the secrets,
aggregated
grains of sand or pastes of soil,
fixate and fascinate.

Colleges of unruly electrons
concealed,
yet smeared so far out, scream
'I'm here FFS!'

We'll see them eventually, probably,
not where they were supposed to be
but delighted by the introduction all the same.

Big things follow small ones,
misunderstandings and passion
will continue to unravel mysteries,
and bury corpses
under
grains of sand
and pastes of soil.

I wish I had an image of you that wasn't Rod Stewart! 


I think it's a simple poem and a neat idea. I'm not sure 'pastes of soil' works for me, but I get that it suggests a different feel to the granules of sand. I like the repetition at the end, and the clash of scientific and everyday (textspeak?) language. 

Would 'collages' work better than 'colleges'? 

I like the fact that there's different particles yet to be discovered, but electrons are pretty well mapped, so maybe a different word for that? 

I like the feel of 'and bury corpses' but i can't make it mean much. 

Thank you for the read.