Aspirations

[Matty11]

Version2


My shadows stray. They cling to blue
like moody teenagers. That crew
will never learn to swim. They paddle
the freckled brook. Their spines are frail.

And yet, this slouchy crowd, like kids
of curious years, can lift the lids
on glee. They bubble as if they found
their golden path. The clowns will drown!

'The river is too deep,' I shout.
They do not hear. These laughter louts
so like...I pause my frowns.
They become light. They are unbound.






Version1

Shadows
With blue lanterns
Paddle the freckled brook
As if they found their golden path.
The ocean is too far
I shout out to
Shadows.

[Colm Roe]

I liked the ambiguity of version 1, it allowed several interps.
But prefer 2, the (quiet/reserved/awkward) N having fun in spite of his nature.
I read somewhere that 'the boy is older than the man', one of the many ways being the awkwardness of our youth follows (shadows) us into adulthood.
'The ocean is (never) too far'   'Their spines are frail'   So many phrases to enjoy here, Phil. Loved it. 

[Matty11]

I like your thinking Colm. I've attached a closing couplet

Cheers

Phil

[bruise]

I really like this poem, and read it as an exploration of energy and old age and growing up and the wisdom of the young that the old leave behind.

questions/nits.
Blue/lanterns? - not sure what that would reference, blue as in mood? blue light? doesn't quite hit anything for me. Could just be me.
I don't like the line ending in 'who', especially given it's the second line and the rhyme feels like you've done it intentionally, and the rhyme makes it worse not better.
LOVE L3&4.
Kids/of curious years - good double meaning - maybe it's the curiosity that the old lose and that's the wisdom going out (also that you don't know how old they are)
Ocean feels a body of water too far - I assumed river, then brook, now ocean?
I like 'laughter louts' but not the elipsis after 'so like... '

My fav bit

... I pause my frowns.
They become light. They are unbound.

[Matty11]

Thanks B.
Nicely balanced feedback. I liked the pause on who, but, in general, I avoid that 'false drama'. Duly edited.
Blue mood I was thinking. Brook/ocean I wanted the contrast of actuality v fantasy. River was too ordinary

Cheers

Phil

[indar]

Hi Matty,

I really brought my own associations to this one. It's a trade-off.

My shadows stray. They cling to blue
like moody teenagers. That crew
will never learn to swim. They paddle
the freckled brook. Their spines are frail.

brook, freckled, swim, suggests brook trout--fish. I am especially fond of Mac Leish's collection "Songs for Eve" there's a line "they live in time as fishes live/ within the lapsing of the wave." A certain lack of awareness coupled with life lived in the moment. Wonderful foreshadowing of the hardening of attitudes hinted at in the next stanzas. Great sonics throughout.

And yet, this slouchy crowd, like kids
of curious years, can lift the lids
on glee. They bubble as if they found
their golden path. The clowns will drown!

And they do. I can see these kids pretending to worldly knowledge, acting jaded, slouchy, all James Dean, but still curious, open to glee.

'The ocean is too far,' I shout.
They do not hear. These laughter louts
so like...I pause my frowns.
They become light. They are unbound.

Those awkward boys, older than man,
have lingered longer, unmanned me.

[Matty11]

Thanks Linda. Pleased you enjoyed the sonics. Yes, James Dean, is iconic. Reality will have its end.

best

Phil

[Dave]

I like it that these two poems are so different and yet the same poem. The shorter first version explained itself less and while perhaps a little less accessible in meaning, at least for me, had a greater sense of adventure an mystery and the the shouting into the shadows being so off the wall had greater impact. The longer version is fun and clearer but much more dependent on pronouns and articles which weakens the strength and power of the images while allowing the reader to accompany the youth.
Good writing 

[Matty11]

Thanks Dave. Accessibility is often a compromise, but then opacity is onanism. Frustrating, but communication comes at a cost. I have a drawer full of mystery poems

Cheers

Phil

[TrevorConway]

Hi Phil,

I think I prefer the tone/overall approach of the first version, and it feels closer to the right length. Maybe just a few more lines at the end (it feels a little unfinished), but not as much detail as version 2.

Trev