Funeral Fire

[TrevorConway]

Hey Bruise,

Welcome to the site. Hope you get a lot out of it.

I thought there were some nice touches until I got to the last two verses. Up till then, the tone somehow seemed a bit off to me, lacking in something (I can't really explain it). In the last two verses, those nice touches transformed into six lines of some pretty brilliant poetry. So good that the previous verses suffered purely because of comparison. I loved the gutdeep sobs, the yellowing of the mind and the simple yet perfectly phrased ending. I wonder if rewriting with those two verses as the model to follow would be best, bringing in some elements of earlier parts, but applying the sharpness of the last two verses to the rest of the poem. Anyway, I've put in bold the highlights for me.

Hope this helps,

Trev 

I remember black flowers, a low-slung coffin
and priestly incantations. I stared at my boots
as they buried their girl, killed in a car crash.

Sent by school, I stood awkwardly
between the Head and the driver -
neither family, nor believers – three aliens.

I watched the fisted handfuls of dirt and gravel
thud on wood, and could imagine a thin wail rising,
a soul smoke, curling into these believers’ ears,

welcome in their mind’s heaven. Perhaps just
a place for people they can’t yet leave
to the long, the nothing, the end.

*

My spirited gran’s funeral day was godless -
the small cask slid back, curtains closed
on her leaving, engulfed by a secular fire.

I admired their strength. Even in this last ritual
they chose unbelieving, uncomforted pain -
there were no half truths, no small lies, no rot.

His daughters then watched granddad choke
gutdeep sobs, and soon, too soon, cancer
yellowed his sharp mind, sapping his quiet force.

His same ritual reduced us, silenced us.
Becoming adults, we children wait
to bury parents, but don’t know how.

[indar]

I remember black flowers, a low-slung coffin
and priestly incantations. I stared at my boots
as they buried their girl, killed in a car crash.

Hello Bruise,

Nice entrance into the branches. Wonderful entry into the poem. The first S is a fine example of what I call "a confusion of images." The phrase "low slung" and "black flowers" are associated in my mind with a car, which we learn in L3 is the cause of death. The death car and the black hearse closely associate with one another. Such confusion speaks to the state of mind of the N. This could be a poem in itself.

[bruise]

Hi Bruise and welcome,

Thank you for the welcome, Dave, and hello back to you.

As has been stated these are thoughtful and carefully put together poems. This is further confirmed by your responses to the comments. As has been already described they provide contrasting experiences of two funerals, one at which the N is more intimately involved than the other both emotionally and spiritually.

I see it as one poem in two halves, but that's a small thing. And, yes to the responses of the N.

BTW, generally, I find responding to the responses have the danger of being defensive, or of trying to 'explain away' a poem, so I'll try to avoid doing that. All of it's helpful, but not always in the way the responder thinks!

As with others, there are one two small details I stumble over or would perhaps reconsider:
Firstly, though the 'I remember' provides a smooth way into the poem and highlights perhaps that the experience was at an emotional distance, it is quite a cliché opening and immediately also puts the reader at a distance as 'Oh, so it gone?, Why does it matter now?'

I want a gentle way in, as the subject matter is a bit dark, so I'm glad you think this. I don't mind if it's a bit cliched. Hopefully it would help the reader to relax on their way in!

In line 6 I would suggest writing 'none of us' instead of both - surely the N is also a non-believer? I found this use of both somewhat confusing.

I'm further confused, as I don't see 'both'. Is it not clear that the three of us (Head, driver, n) are not part of the ceremony?

As with Mark I would suggest removing 'fisted' as it has too many connotations including pornographic ones and handful does the job anyway. Also it would be more powerful without 'I could imagine' - at least in Irish funerals wailing is very much real not imagined. After heaven it would make more grammatical sense to put a comma or semi-colon instead of a full-stop. Plus sure 'they' should be 'who'?

Great point about replacing the full stop.

I see what you mean about 'wail' which I see as purely imaginary, not voiced, so maybe I need to make that clearer.

In the second funeral, the way the lines are written, it could be the curtains that catch fire not the casket (surely casket not cask, which is for alcohol, or not?)

thank you - 'cask' is simply wrong, you are right! I'll change that straight away.

In stanza 2 'their' is a somewhat unmotivated pronoun - who is actually being referred to. Since this poem is meant to be a more familiar and personal one, we are left wondering who these people are - the family, the freiends, or the grandmother?

Hmm. I meant the two of them, Gran and Grandad. Difficult one to fix. I'll have a think about that.

Likewise 'His' daughters - maybe I am being stupid but whose daughters? And while I can figure out what is meant I did at first ask myself who is the 'he' behind the his? The grandfather's cancer as portrayed in the poem seems to emerge during the funeral.

It surprises me - and clearly it's something I'm doing wrong - but that all readers have seen this as two funerals rather than three. The Grandfather's cancer does develop shortly after the gran's funeral, but not during! Again, that's something I'll have to think about.

These are all nits and Tom has said to an interesting and promising poem. I look forward to more.

Many thanks for such a careful reading! Very helpful and motivating.

[bruise]

Hey Bruise,

Welcome to the site. Hope you get a lot out of it.

Thank you for the welcome, and I already have!

I thought there were some nice touches until I got to the last two verses. Up till then, the tone somehow seemed a bit off to me, lacking in something (I can't really explain it).

I'd be interested to know what this is if it comes to you.

In the last two verses, those nice touches transformed into six lines of some pretty brilliant poetry. So good that the previous verses suffered purely because of comparison. I loved the gutdeep sobs, the yellowing of the mind and the simple yet perfectly phrased ending. I wonder if rewriting with those two verses as the model to follow would be best, bringing in some elements of earlier parts, but applying the sharpness of the last two verses to the rest of the poem. Anyway, I've put in bold the highlights for me.

Many thanks, that is very helpful.

[bruise]

I remember black flowers, a low-slung coffin
and priestly incantations. I stared at my boots
as they buried their girl, killed in a car crash.

Hello Bruise,

Nice entrance into the branches. Wonderful entry into the poem.

Thank you for the welcome and hello back.

A very different reaction to the manner of starting to the one above. It's interesting isn't it. And sometimes it will always be a matter of opinion, I suppose.

The first S is a fine example of what I call "a confusion of images." The phrase "low slung" and "black flowers" are associated in my mind with a car, which we learn in L3 is the cause of death. The death car and the black hearse closely associate with one another. Such confusion speaks to the state of mind of the N. This could be a poem in itself.

Very kind comment, thank you.

[Dave]

Hey Bruise
I find giving comment awkward too and have been known to rub some people up the wrong way so I hope the thoughts are taken in the spirit they are meant - they seem to ahve been as your responses are measured, thoughtful and gracious.

I see my problem with the 'both' was actually the word 'neither' and now see that it refers to the believing and family membership rather than the number of persons. My bad.
 

[bruise]

I find giving comment awkward too and have been known to rub some people up the wrong way so I hope the thoughts are taken in the spirit they are meant - they seem to ahve been as your responses are measured, thoughtful and gracious.

i certainly take it in the spirit you offered, which I take to be from a good place, otherwise you wouldn't have made the effort! I thank you. What isn't helpful is empty praise or silence. Anything other than that has to be useful. The poem is still my responsibility, and I will take what's useful and ignore what's not. We all agree to that, I assume.

My worst experience of that was finally relenting and agreeing to read a novel a teaching colleague had embarked on. I did warn her that I would give her an honest opinion. She wasn't ready for my opinion which was that the basic premise of the SF story just did nothing for me and wouldn't work. Because she was a good friend, I did feel that I had to make the point, it wouldn't be right not to. But she didn't take it well.

I see my problem with the 'both' was actually the word 'neither' and now see that it refers to the believing and family membership rather than the number of persons. My bad.

no problem. it caused me to read it again to check what you were saying and made me question it. which is always good. so thank you again.

[Eric Ashford]

Just adding my applause for these two poems. Not much more to add what has been said here.
I liked the distance of the observer to the seen. It gives me as a reader a chance to feel the observations
without too much maudlin emoting. Well done!

[bruise]

Thank you Eric.

[Eric Ashford]

Some interesting commentary threads generated from this post, but I won't muddy the waters more here.
I like both these two points of view of your funeral experiences. Sorrow and nihilism is laid on a bit too thick for me, but I do appreciate you sincerity in this write. I feel it lacks depth of imagery a bit, which would have deepened the reading
experience. Nevertheless a good post. Welcome to this forum.