Cross Words (revision)

Matty11 · Post by **Matty11** » Wed Feb 28, 2018 10:53 pm

revision

She switches on the lamp
behind his reading chair,
picks up the Telegraph,
dwells on the vacant space.

The doodled boats he anchored
in margins were so him.
The word's kedging. He'd know.
She leaves it incomplete.

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original

She switches on the lamp
behind his reading chair,
picks up the Telegraph
and notes the empty space.

The anchored boats he'd doodle
in margins were so him.
The word's kedging. He'd know.
She leaves it incomplete.

Footnote: kedging is a method of turning a ship/boat around

Dave · Post by **Dave** » Thu Mar 01, 2018 9:30 am

In total I like this. It is simple, clear and has a certain melancoly that is nevertheless light and natural. The only line that jars is L4 S1, which only makes sense once S2 has been read so in the moment it is encountered it appears strange.
Dave

Post by **Colm Roe** » Thu Mar 01, 2018 7:11 pm

Hi Matty,
Love the poignancy of this, and it's written so lightly. Lots said in few words.
I see what Dave is saying. My suggested edit.

She switches on the lamp
behind his reading chair
and picks up the Telegraph,
anchored boats
doodled in the margins
were so him.

One word catches her eye,
kedging,
a word they knew.

She leaves it unfinished.

Post by **indar** » Fri Mar 02, 2018 8:51 am

Post by Matty11 » Thu, 01 Mar 2018, 5:53

She switches on the lamp
behind his reading chair,
picks up the Telegraph
and notes the empty space.

The anchored boats he'd doodle
in margins were so him.
The word's kedging. He'd know.
She leaves it incomplete.

HI Phil,
Nice illustration off a moment that comes to us all in some form. The elements are there but I found myself wanting a different organization. Please forgive the fiddle with your poem (couldn't help myself)

Post

She switches on the lamp
behind his reading chair,
picks up the Telegraph

The boats he anchored in the margins
with his ballpoint
were so him, she notes
the empty space.

The word's kedging. He'd know.
She leaves it incomplete.

Wonderful word to end this poem on. Sometimes the simplest are the most human.

Matty11 · Post by **Matty11** » Fri Mar 02, 2018 2:02 pm

Thanks Dave, Colm, and Indar. I've revisited S1L4 with a more expressive verb. I like Indar's use of anchored and tweaked that line too. I'm keeping to regular lines for now.

cheers

matty/Phil

Post by **Tracy Mitchell** » Sun Mar 18, 2018 1:24 pm

I get the cherished bond, and the obvious decline.
I missed the Telegraph thing. Then the light came on & the rest made sense.
Love the pacing of the text with the subject matter.

T

Matty11 · Post by **Matty11** » Mon Mar 19, 2018 12:47 am

Thanks for reading this too Tracy. Pleased the 'pacing' is heard. I can hear it, but never sure if readers can.

cheers

Phil

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