General Poetry - post, comment, review, critique
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TrevorConway
- Posts: 210
- Joined: Thu Feb 04, 2021 2:30 pm
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Contact:
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by TrevorConway » Thu Nov 04, 2021 2:48 am
NEW VERSION
If only rain
was always warm,
we’d take a shower
in every storm.
If only stars
had brighter light,
there’d be no streetlamps
lit at night.
If dreams were films
we could release,
you’d love my latest
masterpiece.
And if the sun
was further away,
we’d have winter
every day.
If only this poem
could be what you like,
you might ride it
like a mountain bike.
OLD VERSION
If only rain
was always warm,
we’d take a shower
in every storm.
If only stars
had brighter light,
there’d be no streetlamps
lit at night.
If dreams were films
we could somehow release,
you’d love my latest
masterpiece.
If only this poem
could be what you like,
you’d fold it up,
ride it like a bike.
Last edited by
TrevorConway on Thu Nov 11, 2021 1:39 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Matty11
- Posts: 1826
- Joined: Thu Jan 11, 2018 7:58 pm
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by Matty11 » Thu Nov 04, 2021 5:20 am
Hi Trev
Enjoyed your bitter/sweet poem. I have no quibbles.
best
Phil
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TrevorConway
- Posts: 210
- Joined: Thu Feb 04, 2021 2:30 pm
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by TrevorConway » Sun Nov 07, 2021 1:15 am
Thanks, Phil. I think it feels a bit short, so I might try to come up with another verse. Will see.
Thanks again,
Trev
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Dave
- Posts: 2132
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by Dave » Sun Nov 07, 2021 10:49 am
A fun read. I enjoyed the poem
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indar
- Posts: 3107
- Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 8:00 am
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by indar » Tue Nov 09, 2021 7:07 am
I agree with all the comments so far--yes its a fun read but with a bittersweet edge to it. I agree with you it feels like there should be more, maybe a stanza between 3 and 4 to transition from the out and out playfulness to that last sense of yearning ( stated without drama--good).
I enjoyed the read.
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Mark
- Posts: 588
- Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 4:19 am
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by Mark » Wed Nov 10, 2021 2:23 pm
Bobs and bounces along nicely as a fun read. S3 seems to be missing an 'only' in the 1st line, for consistency. Otherwise the structure is decent enough and the rhyme scheme unobtrusive.
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TrevorConway
- Posts: 210
- Joined: Thu Feb 04, 2021 2:30 pm
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Contact:
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by TrevorConway » Thu Nov 11, 2021 1:38 am
Thanks, Mark. I left out the "only" to avoid monotony.
New version with a new verse below and at the top of the page, if anyone's interested.
If Only
If only rain
was always warm,
we’d take a shower
in every storm.
If only stars
had brighter light,
there’d be no streetlamps
lit at night.
If dreams were films
we could release,
you’d love my latest
masterpiece.
And if the sun
was further away,
we’d have winter
every day.
If only this poem
could be what you like,
you might ride it
like a mountain bike.
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hanahana
- Posts: 4
- Joined: Sun Sep 23, 2018 12:50 am
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by hanahana » Sun Nov 14, 2021 3:09 am
very good poem.... thanks
Graduated from
Soran University with First Class Degree with Honours in Computer Science
