Absentee Dad (revision2)

Post by **Tracy Mitchell** » Sun Feb 18, 2018 10:09 am

[Semi-]Simultaneous posts, Indar.

We are getting to to the same place.

T

Post by **indar** » Sun Feb 18, 2018 10:36 am

Yes but I was faster on the "submit" button.

Sorry Phil

Matty11 · Post by **Matty11** » Sun Feb 18, 2018 1:48 pm

Thanks for that prompt Janet, and thank you Tracy and Indar for taking another look. I've worked the title a bit more. Probably put this one in a draw for a while.

best

matty/phil

Post by **Tracy Mitchell** » Sun Feb 18, 2018 2:03 pm

Okay, now it starts to sink in with me.

T

Post by **Colm Roe** » Sun Feb 18, 2018 7:37 pm

Hi Matty,
It's maybe a little too compact.
I enjoyed the visuals and IMO needs a bit more.
Here's my version if he's only slightly nasty. If he's
really bad stick a few more clues in.
Either way it's a great idea worth exploring.

A pumpkin head
dangled menacingly
below our fruit tree.
No nose, a toothless grin
and no ears.

Catching my fear,
Mum plugged its eyes with plums
and I could sleep again

until the next time.

Matty11 · Post by **Matty11** » Mon Feb 19, 2018 12:05 pm

Thanks Colm. May use that word dangled and expand in a free verse format, though I quite like the restrictive formal elements - restraint reflects the buttoned down emotion.

best

Matty

avwhis6466 · Post by **avwhis6466** » Mon Feb 19, 2018 5:05 pm

A small point, but, upon first reading, the “no ears” seemed strange to me. I’ve never seen a pumpkin head with ears, so to mention one without just felt like it was trying to rhyme with “fear.”

I love the image though, as well as the compactness, but I also agree that a few more clues would help the reader, and allow him to be more sympathetic to the narrator.

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