Things on a Table

[Tim J Brennan]

Eye glasses, 
a red Life
Saver, one brass
house key

a dog-eared
Dickinson: 
words washing me 
over another
evening.

[Tom]

Very nice Tim - this opens as a list poem, then the surprising last two lines - the words are washing the narrator as if over rapids in a creek. 

I am not accepting the 'house' key, as the cryptic setting description suggests to me an elderly narrator living alone in an apartment.   I suppose this could be set almost anywhere, but that's what my impression is.  

So full with so few words.  

T

[Tim J Brennan]

Eye glasses, a red Life Saver,
one brass house key, 
a dog-eared Dickinson: 
words washing me
over another evening.

Thanks, Tom...my reason for the brass (perception) key was its pairing w/"eye" glasses, another use that may (or may not) connote an "older" perception. The trifecta w/dog-earred was also intentional to set-up the "washing" and its nod toward the creek/stream erosion.  Super glad that's where it led you.    

[Tracy Mitchell]

Hi Tim,

I go the erosion sense to this, but more, I  got the feeling that the  Dickinson poems were working over the Narrator like clothes being rubbed on a (real) washboard -- that his/her engagement with the poetry is the substantial element of his/her life, what is 'real' beyond time, aging, and his otherwise solitary life --  what s/he lives for.  Just my thoughts.

T


 

[Tim J Brennan]

Hi Tim,

I go the erosion sense to this, but more, I  got the feeling that the  Dickinson poems were working over the Narrator like clothes being rubbed on a (real) washboard -- that his/her engagement with the poetry is the substantial element of his/her life, what is 'real' beyond time, aging, and his otherwise solitary life --  what s/he lives for.  Just my thoughts.

T


 

I bit more than "...Just my thoughts"      Thanks, Tracy.  I love Emily. She's my girl.  

[mfwilkie]

Eye glasses, a red Life Saver,
one brass house key, 
a dog-eared Dickinson: 

Tim, is it all of these items on the table washing over your evening, or just Em's?

words washing me
over another evening.

 a thought:

eye glasses
and a house key,
one red Life Saver
and a dog-eared tome
of Dickinson
ever at the ready
for ritual reading.

or

eye glasses
and a house key,
one red Life Saver,
and a dog-eared tome
of Dickinson
ever at the ready
for a ritual lifting
of spirit.

​​​​​​​Maggie

[Tim J Brennan]

If anything, I'd rather trim words, not add them, Maggie.  

Mine = 18    Yours = 23 or 26    

[mfwilkie]

true, tim, but you still need to hear/see an error before revising it, don"t you think?
and you already know I speak to your muse's ear, and not to you.

Reading your explanations for word choices is a bit puzzling to me, because a young perspective could also display those items, be appreciative
of Em's effort at life and writing.

Things on a Table

a red Life Saver, glasses,
a dog-eared Dickinson—
all aslant, and true.

[Tim J Brennan]

true, tim, but you still need to hear/see an error before revising it, don"t you think?
and you already know I speak to your muse's ear, and not to you.

Reading your explanations for word choices is a bit puzzling to me, because a young perspective could also display those items, be appreciative
of Em's effort at life and writing.

Things on a Table

a red Life Saver, glasses,
a dog-eared Dickinson—
all aslant, and true.

You rewrote my entire ending, Maggie, and changed the intention of the poem. I have no time for your "explanations" and would prefer you not lecture me about any appreciation I may have toward Emily.

If you want to continue to point out errors to me, please do so in a tactful and respectful manner as it pertains to my words.  Quite frankly, your suggested ending sucked. 

Thank you.  

[mfwilkie]

mfwilkie wrote: ↑
Tue Feb 20, 2018 9:40 am
true, tim, but you still need to hear/see an error before revising it, don"t you think?
and you already know I speak to your muse's ear, and not to you.

Reading your explanations for word choices is a bit puzzling to me, because a young perspective could also display those items, be appreciative
of Em's effort at life and writing.

Things on a Table

a red Life Saver, glasses,
a dog-eared Dickinson—
all aslant, and true.

You rewrote my entire ending, Maggie, and changed the intention of the poem. I have no time for your "explanations" and would prefer you not lecture me about any appreciation I may have toward Emily.

If you want to continue to point out errors to me, please do so in a tactful and respectful manner as it pertains to my words.  Quite frankly, your suggested ending sucked. 

Tim, whatever intentions you have when writing poems are yours alone. Those intentions are not mine when I read the poem. And they are certainly not mine when I value the success of technique.

Your explanation and expectations for adding the antique key didn't work for the poem. It doesn't set-up an age-related aura around the poem that influences your reader; the key is just one item among others on a table. 

And re-read my remarks about your explanations; they were specific to your reasoning behind word choices.

And I didn't rewrite your ending, I wrote an alternative ending for you to listen to. And you know that.

And this little ditty below, Em would love the play on her words in the last line.

Things on a Table

a red Life Saver, glasses,
a dog-eared Dickinson—
all aslant, and true.


So, because my time is pretty valuable, here's what I'm going to do for you in the future,