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Before I Summon the Eagle
Before I Summon the Eagle
Before I Summon the Eagle
The tall, bespectacled department head
with broad shoulders and a confident gait
wouldn't say, “I am better than you.”
Nonetheless.
He’s talking space when he paces where
the walls, t.v. and his corner office will be.
We were here
first is not an argument a grown
woman can make. I am vapor. Soft on
the senses.
Easy to ignore. His dreams draw lines
in the carpet. I want to throw shadows.
By morning
I've grown feathers on my breast. I
am ready.
The tall, bespectacled department head
with broad shoulders and a confident gait
wouldn't say, “I am better than you.”
Nonetheless.
He’s talking space when he paces where
the walls, t.v. and his corner office will be.
We were here
first is not an argument a grown
woman can make. I am vapor. Soft on
the senses.
Easy to ignore. His dreams draw lines
in the carpet. I want to throw shadows.
By morning
I've grown feathers on my breast. I
am ready.
Re: Before I Summon the Eagle
small stuff: I'd edit "a" L2. I'd move "Nonetheless" to its own line and maybe even italicize it.Janet wrote: ↑Fri Feb 02, 2018 5:29 pmBefore I Summon the Eagle
The tall, bespectacled department head
with broad shoulders and a confident gait
wouldn't say, “I am better than you.”
Nonetheless.
He’s talking space when he paces where
the walls, t.v. and his corner office will be.
We were here
first is not an argument a grown
woman can make. I am vapor. Soft on
the senses.
Easy to ignore. His dreams draw lines
in the carpet. I want to throw shadows.
By morning
I've grown feathers on my breast. I
am ready.
Tighten S3: add "off" after paces / edit out "where" & edit out "...will be"
Not sure I like the "we" in S2 (especially if you are referring to women?)...the plural seems odd to me, especially b/c that's the only time it's used and you immediately go to singular "I" in the same stanza and follow it up w/ "...a woman..."
I love the ending. Bravo.
Re: Before I Summon the Eagle
Hey Tim. Those suggested edits are keepers, thanks so much. Glad the ending worked for you, wasn’t sure.
Re: Before I Summon the Eagle
Hi Janet, interesting transformation poem. I thought while reading that I'd like more of you and less of him. I've selected the lines that might achieve that, not an edit just an experiment.
The tall, bespectacled department head
wouldn't say, “I am better than you.”
Nonetheless.
He’s talking space where
his corner office will be.
I am vapor. Soft on
the senses. Easy
to ignore.
His dreams draw lines
in the carpet. I want to throw shadows.
By morning
I've grown feathers on my breast.
I am ready.
The tall, bespectacled department head
wouldn't say, “I am better than you.”
Nonetheless.
He’s talking space where
his corner office will be.
I am vapor. Soft on
the senses. Easy
to ignore.
His dreams draw lines
in the carpet. I want to throw shadows.
By morning
I've grown feathers on my breast.
I am ready.
- Marc Gilbert
- Posts: 161
- Joined: Sat Jan 06, 2018 7:02 am
- Location: Wakefield, MI - USA
- Contact:
Re: Before I Summon the Eagle
Janet,
I enjoy reading this poem. I agree with David in wanting more of her and less of him. We all know him, or those like him pretty well.
this line: "first is not an argument a grown|woman can make" seems a bit telly.
I love this one: "His dreams draw line|in the carpet." and the ending.
Maybe another pass and a bit of trimming so the gems can shine.
Bets,
marc
I enjoy reading this poem. I agree with David in wanting more of her and less of him. We all know him, or those like him pretty well.
this line: "first is not an argument a grown|woman can make" seems a bit telly.
I love this one: "His dreams draw line|in the carpet." and the ending.
Maybe another pass and a bit of trimming so the gems can shine.
Bets,
marc
"Poetry is not speech raised to the level of music, but music brought down to the level of speech." - Paul Valery
Re: Before I Summon the Eagle
Oh Janet--you need to write a companion poem. I want to know what happens next. This territorial scuffle must play out millions of times a day. But it is so subtle and such a common practice it goes almost unnoticed. I don't mind the attention on the department head---you got it right, the N becomes nothing in the face of his supreme importance. The resolve comes afterward. I wonder if "summoning the eagle" would work at the end of the poem. it almost sounds too powerful as an intro to your theme but would be mightily satisfying at the end.
Re: Before I Summon the Eagle
Thank you all for the great feedback- all taken into account during revisions.
I think there might very well be a companion poem, Linda And thanks for your nit about the title, I agree it's not very inviting as is. Better at the end
I think there might very well be a companion poem, Linda And thanks for your nit about the title, I agree it's not very inviting as is. Better at the end
- Tracy Mitchell
- Posts: 3534
- Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 3:58 pm
Re: Before I Summon the Eagle
Janet -
How creative and unique. I love your metaphor. Yes, the feathers are soft, and this reference is so much more effective than invoking, for example, the eagle's mighty wing span, or powerful grip of the claws. Subtle, powerful, effective.
"talking space' - suggests 'taking space' - pacing. Real nice. the occasional line rhymes are natural and pleasing, as are the soft cadences.
Just some thoughts to take or leave:
Easy to ignore. His dreams draw lines -- already implied, more powerful than when expressed
in the carpet. I want mine to throw shadows.
By morning
I don't know if that screws you rhythms here.
& I agree with Indar about the sequel.
Cheers.
T
How creative and unique. I love your metaphor. Yes, the feathers are soft, and this reference is so much more effective than invoking, for example, the eagle's mighty wing span, or powerful grip of the claws. Subtle, powerful, effective.
"talking space' - suggests 'taking space' - pacing. Real nice. the occasional line rhymes are natural and pleasing, as are the soft cadences.
Just some thoughts to take or leave:
Easy to ignore. His dreams draw lines -- already implied, more powerful than when expressed
in the carpet. I want mine to throw shadows.
By morning
I don't know if that screws you rhythms here.
& I agree with Indar about the sequel.
Cheers.
T
Re: Before I Summon the Eagle
This one builds from a slightly clunky (to my ear) start to a magical finish. I really love the end.
I don't often comment on meter in free verse poems, but I thin this would work better if you used iambic throughout, with just a few inverted feet at strategic points to draw emphasis.
This line makes for a rough start, and makes your linebreaks seem a bit random. I think "bespectacled" is the guilty party. A two syllable word I think would work better here.
This line also, doesn't scan well to me.
This reads better, but I think would be firmer with "would not" than "wouldn't"
This all sounds fine.
Similarly, this all sounds good. I particularly like "I am vapour"
Lovely.
Even lovelier. Great ending.
I don't often comment on meter in free verse poems, but I thin this would work better if you used iambic throughout, with just a few inverted feet at strategic points to draw emphasis.
The tall, bespectacled department head
This line makes for a rough start, and makes your linebreaks seem a bit random. I think "bespectacled" is the guilty party. A two syllable word I think would work better here.
with broad shoulders and a confident gait
This line also, doesn't scan well to me.
wouldn't say, “I am better than you.”
Nonetheless.
This reads better, but I think would be firmer with "would not" than "wouldn't"
He’s talking space when he paces where
the walls, t.v. and his corner office will be.
We were here
This all sounds fine.
first is not an argument a grown
woman can make. I am vapor. Soft on
the senses.
Similarly, this all sounds good. I particularly like "I am vapour"
Easy to ignore. His dreams draw lines
in the carpet. I want to throw shadows.
By morning
Lovely.
I've grown feathers on my breast. I
am ready.
Even lovelier. Great ending.
Re: Before I Summon the Eagle
Tracy and Amie, thanks so much for the feedback. You are absolutely right about the clunkiness Amie. I did my best with iambic throughout in the revision- bespectacled and broad shoulders were buggers sonically speaking.
Likewise, I agree with you Tracy on your suggested edits.
It takes a village to write a poem
Here is my revision:
Another Day at the Office
Mr. PhD doesn’t say, “I am better.”
Nonetheless.
He talks about dividing
the space, begins pacing off
the wall, t.v., his corner office.
My words are weightless.
He’s impatient. I am not eight-
I am vapor.
The dream he draws in the carpet
marks where mayors and such may
someday meet.
Staring at the ceiling, he
says, “After we build the wall
I don’t want your people on
this side, dismisses me with
the flick of his watch.
I’m old enough to know not
to react. How to make upsets
something other than my fault.
The next day I summon an eagle,
grow feathers on my breast.
I am ready.
Likewise, I agree with you Tracy on your suggested edits.
It takes a village to write a poem
Here is my revision:
Another Day at the Office
Mr. PhD doesn’t say, “I am better.”
Nonetheless.
He talks about dividing
the space, begins pacing off
the wall, t.v., his corner office.
My words are weightless.
He’s impatient. I am not eight-
I am vapor.
The dream he draws in the carpet
marks where mayors and such may
someday meet.
Staring at the ceiling, he
says, “After we build the wall
I don’t want your people on
this side, dismisses me with
the flick of his watch.
I’m old enough to know not
to react. How to make upsets
something other than my fault.
The next day I summon an eagle,
grow feathers on my breast.
I am ready.