A Gull Lost In Rain

Matty11 · Post by **Matty11** » Fri Mar 05, 2021 10:55 am

: A Gull Lost In Rain Revision.jpg (77.9 KiB) Viewed 6732 times

: A Gull Lost In Rain.jpg (93.03 KiB) Viewed 6733 times

Post by **indar** » Fri Mar 05, 2021 11:09 am

This one is going to takes some close inspection. I suspect it is a form--the name of which I can't remember--that can be read in different "directions". Interesting, I'll be back.

Matty11 · Post by **Matty11** » Fri Mar 05, 2021 1:49 pm

Thanks Linda. I should say no form was intended!

all the best

Phil

Deb · Post by **Deb** » Sat Mar 06, 2021 4:01 am

I wrote things. Now they are gone. But I'm an amateur poet so nothing useful was lost.

There is a lot to take in and my mind is playing manic metaphors, so I'll have to return to read when I can focus better.

I will say, the last stanza is worded so that the final spiral ends profoundly.

~Deb

Matty11 · Post by **Matty11** » Sat Mar 06, 2021 9:18 am

Thanks Deb. The poem is essentially about a gull's first flight, but there are human parallels in that struggle.

Hope you get time to share some of your poems too!

all the best

Phil

Dave · Post by **Dave** » Sat Mar 06, 2021 1:44 pm

I am impressed by your output in the last while PHil. And, the variation too. I like the way, as someone else mentioned, this can be read in all kinds of directions.
Dave

Matty11 · Post by **Matty11** » Sun Mar 07, 2021 10:06 am

Thanks Dave. Those birds perched at the edge deserved a poem!

cheers

Phil

ps I've been posting new/old/new-old poems

Post by **indar** » Sun Mar 07, 2021 10:25 am

ps I've been posting new/old/new-old poems

Me too. The older ones act as a jump start to try to get writing again. I'm having a hard time. As to your poem: maybe this write isn't in some established form but its a flurry of words that really pull the reading around in all directions. Its a wonderful experiment (?) in writing that works surprisingly well. I hope that poor birdie makes it.

TrevorConway · Post by **TrevorConway** » Thu Mar 11, 2021 12:48 am

Hey Phil,

How very impressionist of you!

I kind of like the approach, while also wondering how a more straightforward description would've come out. If you did try that, I could see a potential combination of the impressionst fragments and regular description potentially working well.

Anyway, keeping to what you have here, how about introducing more line breaks to make it feel that bit more erractic, reflecting the experience of the bird? e.g.

membranse slashed shell cracks

hunger
untethered
again
nest clinging

in the cleft

of a white cliff

Apart from that, I thought the last verse wasn't needed. While I appreciate the ambition of the sulln rock, it felt a touch too far to me.

I could feel the experience of the bird pretty well, I thought, so well done.

Trev

Matty11 · Post by **Matty11** » Thu Mar 11, 2021 7:50 am

I could feel the experience of the bird pretty well,

Thanks Trev. I was hoping to achieve that outcome. I agree on the last verse, which I have axed, and I feel the poem is positive rather than negative because of this. I'm happy with the form, rather than a more fragmented option, because it threads and is less challenging to read.

cheers

Phil

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