displaced
a triolet
in a bed that's not my own
stuck in a smelly room
I cannot find my mobile phone
here in this bed that's not my own
I feel lost and alone
devoured by a sense of doom
because this bed is not my own
here in this stinking room
====
Not sure about the title. Suggestions are welcome.
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displaced
- Tracy Mitchell
- Posts: 3453
- Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 3:58 pm
Re: displaced
Title looks fine to me.
I like how you have made the triolet form work for your narrative.
The variations on the repeat lines are creative.
Nice poem.
T
I like how you have made the triolet form work for your narrative.
The variations on the repeat lines are creative.
Nice poem.
T
Re: displaced
Thank you.
I really enjoy writing form poetry - the challenges it provides - and I like breaking bending the rules just a little.
I really enjoy writing form poetry - the challenges it provides - and I like breaking bending the rules just a little.
- Tracy Mitchell
- Posts: 3453
- Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 3:58 pm
Re: displaced
Bending the rules of formal poetry is part of the charm. It means that you are taking the form to its limits. You may [or may not] be surprised to hear that lengthy texts of perfect iambic scansion are criticized for not having some anomalies, glitches, and [rule bending] aberrations. The reasons: 1. too predictable, thus boring. 2. it's clear evidence of failing to push language to the very limit of the form, and 3. a lack of courage/conviction on the part of the writer -- who evidently failed to commit to the work.
I appreciate the impulse to form writing, and the challenges uniquely posed.
I appreciate the impulse to form writing, and the challenges uniquely posed.