Bird Steps

[Tim J Brennan]

I) Her voice enters the room 
before she does, and lastly
a small puff of smoke. 
I knew her once thirty-five years ago, 
blindspots and all that hair.

II) I wake to the sound of rain, a scent of wet
grass; it is dark. The world is at peace this hour. 
There is nothing to see. A few birds
begin to proclaim ownership of the yard. 
A small choir ’til over and again. Over. 
No dispute yet. I close my eyes, sink back 
into my dream for a few more minutes 
until my eyes open, clear and sharp 
as another bird.

III) Soon the light cracks, tiny pores open
like little peepholes. Crumbs of grey
float downward, out of sight. 

IV) This is a lie so precise as to be
distorted by truth. There is nothing
barer than bare truth and only a conjurer
can bring this world nearer to sure than listening 
to the sound of rain, the sound of her bird steps 
before she enters the room.   
 

[Sharon Leigh]

Oh, this is yummy. Dreamy. Brings us right there next to n, to bracket what can't be bracketed. Try to, anyway. And succeed, by writing the spaces around.

This line is fantastic:
"This is a poem, a lie so precise
to be distorted by truth."

Very quotable. Sums it up perfectly!

Thanks for sharing,

Best,
Sharon

[indar]

I too was struck by the lines Sharon quotes. There is a nice balance in this piece between the atmospheric, imagiste and a kind of plain spokeness that I really appreciate.

[Marc Gilbert]

I like this very much. I differ a bit from the others in that IV feels a little forced. Almost like you're trying to put a bow on it. I completely agree that the opening line of that section is a gem.  ...sorry for the ambiguity.

The poem throughout is a treat. The sonics are subtle as skillful and the imagery vivid and tangible. The resulting tone hits home.

A minor suggestion in Section I: and lastly, by a small puff of smoke.

Section II is my favorite of the piece.

A delightful read.

Marc

[Amie]

It might be a girl thing. I loved the same line Sharon and indar did. Now I'm puzzling as to why, if that is true, the line would appeal more to women than men...

Love the poem over all. Good use of abstractions, when they arise. Sensory aspects fits my preferences perfectly.

[Tim J Brennan]

Oh, this is yummy. Dreamy. Brings us right there next to n, to bracket what can't be bracketed. Try to, anyway. And succeed, by writing the spaces around.

This line is fantastic:
"This is a poem, a lie so precise
to be distorted by truth."

Very quotable. Sums it up perfectly!

Thanks for sharing,

Best,
Sharon

Thank you, Sharon. Glad some things are working for you.  

[Tim J Brennan]

I too was struck by the lines Sharon quotes. There is a nice balance in this piece between the atmospheric, imagiste and a kind of plain spokeness that I really appreciate.

Plainspeak is important, I think, for Everyman to access a poem. Just my thinking, anyway. I've always been a Whitman fan. 

[Tim J Brennan]

I like this very much. I differ a bit from the others in that IV feels a little forced. Almost like you're trying to put a bow on it. I completely agree that the opening line of that section is a gem.  ...sorry for the ambiguity.

The poem throughout is a treat. The sonics are subtle as skillful and the imagery vivid and tangible. The resulting tone hits home.

A minor suggestion in Section I: and lastly, by a small puff of smoke.

Section II is my favorite of the piece.

A delightful read.

Marc

Hik Marc.  Thoughtful critique.  Have edited Section I.   I will take a SERIOUS look at IV.  I trust a word like "ambiguity" much more than someone saying "I KNOW what's wrong w/this" so I appreciate your candor.

FYI:  I also edited the last line. I don't like it as much as I did yesterday.    

[Tim J Brennan]

It might be a girl thing. I loved the same line Sharon and indar did. Now I'm puzzling as to why, if that is true, the line would appeal more to women than men...

Love the poem over all. Good use of abstractions, when they arise. Sensory aspects fits my preferences perfectly.

I love "girl things"   Thank you, Amie.  

[mfwilkie]

Tim, I suggest a change in numbering and form.

I love N's tone, and his POV. And it's paced beautifully. Reminds me of Milner's excellent pacing.

I made suggested changes in the body of the draft, Tim. Toss what you can't find a use for.  Maggie


i.

Her voice enters the room 
before she does,
followed by her body 
and lastly, a small puff of smoke.
 
I knew her once thirty-five years ago, 
blindspots and all that hair.

ii.
I wake to the sound of rain,
the scent of wet grass and darkness.

The world is at peace this hour. 
There is nothing to see, but I hear
a few birds, a small choir, begin
to proclaim ownership of the yard.
 
I close my eyes, wait for a dispute, 
but sink back into my dream 
until my eyes open, clear and sharp. 

iii.
Night cracks, leaving tiny pores of light
like little peepholes. Crumbs of grey
float downward, out of sight. 

iv.
This is a poem, a lie so precise
it is distorted with/by truth.

There is nothing barer than bare truth
and only a conjurer can bring this world
nearer to sure than listening to the sound
of rain,  the sound of her footsteps before
she enters the room.