The Tangled Branch Discussion Forums

I’m sick and tired and hyper
Love is hate and sadness is fleeting
One moment there the next gone
Without understanding, I stare
Catching a glimpse of you the one
The one that dreams of sleep
Holding you tightly choking you softly
Rapid shallow deep crooked smiles
I fall into the never ending see
Lost but not wanting to be found
I see the sky a glimmer of hope
And eyes shut lean towards the abyss

Hi greenbean,
This isn't really saying anything unique. 
Caps on every line and inconsistent punctuation impair the flow.
Love poems demand showing instead of telling. 
Telling is 'She was so affectionate when we went on a date'
Showing is 'Across the table, she often drew close to whisper something, her cheek close to mine, perfumed hair teased, while her fingers' light touch on the back of my hand traced a message impossible to ignore.'
OK, I ran away with myself. But I think you know what I mean.
Looking forward to reading more of your poems, and hope you don't think I'm being too critical.
Regards. 

greenbean wrote: ↑

Thu Sep 13, 2018 3:33 pm

I’m sick and tired and hyper            ...2 ands doesn't serve. also, no images
Love is hate and sadness is fleeting        generalities
One moment there the next gone          tells and generalities
Without understanding, I stare           show instead of tell
Catching a glimpse of you the one     although this is describing an action it isn't really an image
The one that dreams of sleep             why do they dream of sleep? 
Holding you tightly choking you softly      Okay, I have to admit, choking was unexpected
Rapid shallow deep crooked smiles       the contrasts start to get interesting but still generalities
I fall into the never ending see          sea? if so, cliche. see? can you fall into see?
Lost but not wanting to be found         cliche and  generality
I see the sky a glimmer of hope            sky, cliche; hope generality
And eyes shut lean towards the abyss     the abyss doesn't serve as an image because there's nothing establishing it.

Hi greenbean. Colm captured my opinion but I thought I'd chime in. So far, this doesn't rise to the promise of your forum handle--greenbean--fun! I agree about capitalizing the first letter of lines. This wins points for earnestness. Love and death are the two most covered topics in poetry. Gotta work hard to make them new.  --Wren

Thanks for the feedback! It's more meant to be about addiction but I see both of your points regardless.

I think this poem is bogged down by abstractions and clichés. It feels inaccessible to me.

In other words, don't just tell me the sky is a glimmer of hope. Describe the sky, and let me figure it out.

 

Also, the generic title "Falling" doesn't help the poem. There is something to be said about foreshadowing. Let the title hint at what is to come. Let it sell the poem without giving away too much.