Oyster

[NM Oliver]

Sweep me off my feet 
again. I'm cracking with 
hope and you with 
potential, ebbing away.

Maybe it was only ever
a fabrication, a stage- 
set, fed to open mouths.
Deliriously ignorant.

You are a silhouette 
against the moon, far 
away and unreal. We
have nowhere else to go.

Nothing is too good 
for ordinary people.
Be better. Sweep me
off my feet again,

before you spin away.

[Colm Roe]

This is a curious and strange poem.
I can read it from both the oyster's and a limp-dick man's POV 
Looking again, it's also a social commentary!
Anywho, I like it a lot...only niggle is the last line; are you happy with it?

 

[NM Oliver]

This is a curious and strange poem.
I can read it from both the oyster's and a limp-dick man's POV 
Looking again, it's also a social commentary!
Anywho, I like it a lot...only niggle is the last line; are you happy with it?

 

Good that it's got you thinking Colm. Id say the social aspect is a closer interpretation.
I do actually like the last line. What dont you like about it?

[Colm Roe]

Not sure that 'spin' is the best word to use here?

[NM Oliver]

Not sure that 'spin' is the best word to use here?

To be fair the actual theme of the poem may not be obviously clear to the reader but for me spin definitely feels like the right word.

[Dave]

Indeed the actual topic of the poem could be anything. What is clear is: someone was once excited and this excitement was fulfilled or produced by another who swept them off their feet. Normally this a romantic expression. That is not necessarily evident here. The other in the poem is no longer using its potential.
S2 seems to me the weakest, most abstract/obscure and lacking in sense. How can one,even in a metaphor, feed a stage set to open mouths and how can open mouths be ignorant?
S3 reinforces the helplessness of the N and now others since we rather I, making this not just a personal request but a more universal one. The silhouette highlights the sense falsity in S2. Lastly the we becomes common people giving the poem a hint of politics. Spin could bevturn away as bird but equally political as in spindoctor.
Whether this abstraction and obscurity is intriguing or annoying is subjective. What is known is not enough on its own to satisfy.

[indar]

"Hope" and "potential" are abstract words. If you were doing expository writing you would need to define them. But Abstractions have no business in poetry which is built from concrete imagery. If this is a poem about the N's expectations for a relationship that does not come to fruition then those expectations should be articulated in a way that offers a particular insight to reader. The other had potential could mean the N thought the other might have been a rocket scientist had he or she applied him or herself. 

There are some insightful and original themes to this--does the N think of herself as the oyster being cracked open? Again? What was the past experience. What is it about the other that causes the N to see an action of "spinning away in relation to the oyster-like presence of self?

I would love to see a rewrite of this piece with further thought to bringing the reader into the experience.

[NM Oliver]

Indeed the actual topic of the poem could be anything. What is clear is: someone was once excited and this excitement was fulfilled or produced by another who swept them off their feet. Normally this a romantic expression. That is not necessarily evident here. The other in the poem is no longer using its potential.
S2 seems to me the weakest, most abstract/obscure and lacking in sense. How can one,even in a metaphor, feed a stage set to open mouths and how can open mouths be ignorant?
S3 reinforces the helplessness of the N and now others since we rather I, making this not just a personal request but a more universal one. The silhouette highlights the sense falsity in S2. Lastly the we becomes common people giving the poem a hint of politics. Spin could bevturn away as bird but equally political as in spindoctor.
Whether this abstraction and obscurity is intriguing or annoying is subjective. What is known is not enough on its own to satisfy.

Hi Dave I can't disagree with your comments however I hope it does lean slightly more to intrigue. I think it is a poem that only the writer fully understands which can therefore make it ineffective. Thanks for your feedback.
 

[NM Oliver]

"Hope" and "potential" are abstract words. If you were doing expository writing you would need to define them. But Abstractions have no business in poetry which is built from concrete imagery. If this is a poem about the N's expectations for a relationship that does not come to fruition then those expectations should be articulated in a way that offers a particular insight to reader. The other had potential could mean the N thought the other might have been a rocket scientist had he or she applied him or herself. 

There are some insightful and original themes to this--does the N think of herself as the oyster being cracked open? Again? What was the past experience. What is it about the other that causes the N to see an action of "spinning away in relation to the oyster-like presence of self?

I would love to see a rewrite of this piece with further thought to bringing the reader into the experience.

Hi indar
interesting points around abstraction and I will take this into consideration.
A bit like you how you feel,  there are parts I am satisfied with and others that need developing. 

Rocket scientist...how did you guess!? 

Thank you indar.

 

[dploeser]

this seems to be about unrequited love.  I don't understand the title.  i am probable totally off base.  a lot of times i don't understand poetry.