Leaving

[Tim J Brennan]

There’s something about the way
a woman can’t see her own demise

until it sits up and bites her. She doesn’t
know she’s glass. There’s something

about the way a woman puts on a man,
one leg at a time. Her smile used

to be a zipper, now it’s teeth, chomping
down on things she can’t lick anymore.

Pack your bag, Jack. Pack smart, light,
maybe only a carry-on: comb, socks,

toothbrush, all your hugs and strokes.
Leave room for all my pain.

[Matty11]

Hi Tim,
So much is subjective in reading. From my viewpoint, there's some great inventive lines in this write, but also in my opinion some ordinary ones that blunt the edge.

cheers

matty

There’s something about the way
a woman can’t see her own demise

until it sits up and bites her. She doesn’t....too familiar?
know she’s glass. There’s something.........bite glass?

about the way a woman puts on a man,
one leg at a time. Her smile used ..........love that,

to be a zipper, now it’s teeth, chomping
down on things she can’t lick anymore.....great sensuality

Pack your bag, Jack. Pack smart, light,
maybe only a carry-on: comb, socks,

toothbrush, all your hugs and strokes.
Leave room for all my pain......................ending feels trowelled on

[Wren Tuatha]

But let me explain why I'm laughing. I was going to post this poem I've been wrestling for years. In its various forms it's a my "I've had it with the way men view women" poem. I posted another one instead, because this forum appears to be mostly men, and I didn't want a rabbit hole instead of feedback. So I posted "Gin Bottles." Then I come to browse on this board and this is the first poem I read. I checked my options for a microsecond and decided to laugh. All humans are glass, my beloved Tim!

On the feedback level, this would be more persuasive with a level of detachment. I always love glass, colored glass, sea glass, through a glass darkly, glass is good stuff. 

[Tracy Mitchell]

[3 notes to Wren:  1.  You are a breath of fresh air.  2. Rabbit holes can be healthy/therapeutic.  3.  Indar should be reappearing soon.]


Tim-

raw and strong.  I like this, the briskness, the quick-step.  Great passage:  There’s something // about the way a woman puts on a man, / one leg at a time. Her smile used // to be a zipper, now it’s teeth . . . .

But the pain of the last line lets some air out of the balloon-- too much 'done me wrong' tone for that point in the poem.  

Cheers.

T




 

[Dave]

I love your comment Wren. The poem is excellently well written, of course, but the generalised rests on the uses of the word 'a'. If to mean all women or women generically, the poem appears conceited and outside poetry does not make a lot of sense. If understood as 'this singular woman', it works to an extent. Even then some of the metaphors sound good but appear unconvincing at close appraisal: the smile as zip fine - turning to teeth - following so far - biting instead of licking, on ist own works but doesn't it suggest the mouth as zip was licking? Maybe it's me, but that is harder to imagine.

Interesting stuff as always, methinks.
Dave

[Colm Roe]

Nice poem Tim. 
Men write poems about women, and we make assumptions...but we always get them right because they're written from our point of view; how else can we write them?
Hopefully Wren will post her "I've had it with the way men view women" poem. And I can guarantee that she'll receive plenty of excellent feedback. We're all friends here and I'd hate to think anyone felt they shouldn't/couldn't post any of their poems. 
Anywho, I agree with others that the last S doesn't deserve to rub shoulders with the other fine stanzas.

 

[Tim J Brennan]

Hi Tim,
So much is subjective in reading. From my viewpoint, there's some great inventive lines in this write, but also in my opinion some ordinary ones that blunt the edge.

cheers

matty

There’s something about the way
a woman can’t see her own demise

until it sits up and bites her. She doesn’t....too familiar?
know she’s glass. There’s something.........bite glass?

about the way a woman puts on a man,
one leg at a time. Her smile used ..........love that,

to be a zipper, now it’s teeth, chomping
down on things she can’t lick anymore.....great sensuality

Pack your bag, Jack. Pack smart, light,
maybe only a carry-on: comb, socks,

toothbrush, all your hugs and strokes.
Leave room for all my pain......................ending feels trowelled on

Based on the responses I'm getting, I would agree w/your first thought Also agree about the ending for the same reason. Thanks.

[Tim J Brennan]

But let me explain why I'm laughing. I was going to post this poem I've been wrestling for years. In its various forms it's a my "I've had it with the way men view women" poem. I posted another one instead, because this forum appears to be mostly men, and I didn't want a rabbit hole instead of feedback. So I posted "Gin Bottles." Then I come to browse on this board and this is the first poem I read. I checked my options for a microsecond and decided to laugh. All humans are glass, my beloved Tim!

On the feedback level, this would be more persuasive with a level of detachment. I always love glass, colored glass, sea glass, through a glass darkly, glass is good stuff. 

You seem to assume that I know why you're laughing. I'm lost.

I wrote the poem in response to a woman who has been going through hell in her marriage and has taken to lumping all men into one generalized category of shit-heads. In my mind I didn't think that was necessarily fair. Hence the poem. I don't view "all" women like that. It was just some thoughts that crossed my mind and a poem came out and I thought I would post it. Sometimes I can't relate to anyone who has been divorced or suffered through a major breakup w/a partner simply b/c it is a foreign thought to me. I've been married over 30 years and I didn't get married to get divorced. She was starting to piss me off they way she lumped all men into one category and women were the brunt of everything male.

I also would hope you'd feel comfortable enough to post any poem here. Maybe if you stick around, it will happen.

Glad I was able to perk up the humor in your life. I could use a good laugh this week. It's been crappy. I think I will just shut-up now, post my poems, and see what happens.

[Tim J Brennan]

[3 notes to Wren:  1.  You are a breath of fresh air.  2. Rabbit holes can be healthy/therapeutic.  3.  Indar should be reappearing soon.]


Tim-

raw and strong.  I like this, the briskness, the quick-step.  Great passage:  There’s something // about the way a woman puts on a man, / one leg at a time. Her smile used // to be a zipper, now it’s teeth . . . .

But the pain of the last line lets some air out of the balloon-- too much 'done me wrong' tone for that point in the poem.  

Cheers.

T

Thanks, Tracy. The ending sucks for sure.


 

[Tim J Brennan]

Nice poem Tim. 
Men write poems about women, and we make assumptions...but we always get them right because they're written from our point of view; how else can we write them?
Hopefully Wren will post her "I've had it with the way men view women" poem. And I can guarantee that she'll receive plenty of excellent feedback. We're all friends here and I'd hate to think anyone felt they shouldn't/couldn't post any of their poems. 
Anywho, I agree with others that the last S doesn't deserve to rub shoulders with the other fine stanzas.

 

Duly noted on the last stanza, Colm. It seems to be unanimous. Thanks for all your thoughts.

It's been a tough week and it's only Thursday here Looking forward to something better.