Last Night

[Matty11]

Timing (the use of noticed): a guy who needs an audience. Certainly shatters cosiness, intimacy, the homely warmth of homebakes, the 'nice time'. Effectively pictured Indar.

cheers

matty

[indar]

Thank you both Tim and Phil,

I'm not certain what to think at this point. In defense of the way it is written I imagined the "he" of this narrative could be observed as noticing he had gained everyone's attention without being able to mind read. Maybe I'm being just that---defensive .

I will ponder a while.

[Ike]

There is a good vocabulary here, but I think you could make the point about 'him' more eloquently, have the message resound at a higher pitch. just a little dull in my opinion. Also, the 'Martha' portion comes off quite cliche.

[indar]

Thank you Ike. I went to your post to read it and comment and found you'd removed it. I have noticed you rarely leave your work on the board long. Sometimes it takes a while for members to respond--or even visit the site to read new work so I hope you aren't removing it because you don't think its getting any action.

[Ike]

indar,
You're right, I do delete my posts pretty often. Usually I post impulsively when I'm proud of a piece, but then I end up deleting it because I feel it's going to get criticism. Obviously criticism is beneficial to development, but only if it's constructive. My pieces are a little different than what's traditional here so I get self-conscious when it's misunderstood, or poorly articulated (on my behalf). I appreciate you mentioning this, i'll work on it

ike

[indar]

I get it

[NM Oliver]

Hi Indar
I enjoyed this scene very much.
You set it up perfectly with the saunter and sticking the knife into the butter.
I could feel the trouble making starting immediately.
Wouldn't change a thing for me.

[indar]

Hi Niall,

I'm way late responding to your comment. I do appreciate it. You are one of the new members I was glad to see upon my return so---belatedly---welcome

[Wren Tuatha]

Interesting study in entitlement and its effect on others. I lived in a community where a particular member would always scoop from the middle of the stick of butter. Since I like measuring with the printed marks on the wrapper for recipes, that practice annoyed me to no end. The first time I read this, I thought the laughing was the first disruptive action, pretty far into the poem. Then I read it again and revisited my butter trauma!!! Bloody cowboys! 

[indar]

Then I read it again and revisited my butter trauma!!! Bloody cowboys! 

Yep. Thanks for the read and comments Wren. It's those little things that tip us off isn't it?