The Tangled Branch Discussion Forums

Engaging piece. As adults its good (and fun) to revisit early impressions as this poem has done. Nice first entry into our writing group.

lshmael wrote: ↑

Sun May 06, 2018 1:59 am

Sweet blue plush!
why do I like cotton in the sky?
well, couldn't I sit on it?
weren't you a child once too?
with kingdoms in the ether -
The scales of heaven
lift so -
Saffron - Snow

Not a big fan of centered poetry (gives it that Hallmark look, methinks).  Why have end marks everywhere but the end? why have capital letters on some lines, but not all?   

Neat, but untidy poem. I like the consistency of language and word choice (e.g. plush, saffron, cotton, etc.).

It's a bit too cutesy for my taste Ishmael, and too many questions.
But it does have a certain charm, and the last three lines are quite good.

 

Thank you all for your thoughts and critique. I am always glad to know what other people think of my writing. Perhaps the grammar is too liberal this time

I don’t know, I’m going to disagree with some others about the grammar and punctuation. I think it’s symbolic of a child’s enthusiasm and desire for detail, hence all the questions. It adds to the poem, personally speaking.

Really like this. I like me some lighthearted poems

Love the sounds in the last three lines - a pleasure. 

T

You're peeing in snow? Or perhaps it was that mention of saffron...

http://famouspoetsandpoems.com/poets/de ... oems/18674

I seldom think centering every line is a good idea.  That formatting option has to be convincing to overcome the sense of gimmick.  Here, I am on the fence.  It detracts at the start, but works well for the close.  Just saying.

T