The Tangled Branch Discussion Forums

Tony flew thousands of miles
to supervise the installation of a one ton covering stone 
to seal, once and for all, his parents' grave.

No more relations here requiring long term 'accommodation', 
one last honour from a man now older than them.

He watched us use planks and rollers and bars and brute force,
this selfless Pharaoh sealed a tomb,
one last veneration without personal gain.

Sometimes you know the job has to be done right,
not because the client is going to be an asshole,
it's because you sense something deeper
and can't help but respond
to the most important word that will ever exist

respect.

 

Hi Colm,

More and more I have come to the idea that it is good to know where our loved ones are buried. It sounds romantic to request one's ashes be scattered to the wind or dumped over the side of a boat. My oldest daughter recently did one of those ancestors DNA/searches which led to the discovery of an old old graveyard where generations of our forbears rest. For some strange reason that knowledge comforts me. I know the focus of your poem is about the respect your client paid his deceased loved ones but that leads to the idea that it must have been a great comfort to him to be able to perform that last act on their behalf. I have mulled over lately the acts of kindness the dying do for those who will have to go on living. Your poem contributes to the list of acts survivors find helpful-- a burial place--a place reserved as the place.

It is beautifully written. It does not escape me that the N is also a respectful, sensitive individual who might find solace in the hard-work act performed.

Colm Roe wrote: ↑

Wed Mar 28, 2018 6:42 pm

Tony flew thousands of miles
to supervise the installation of a one ton covering stone 
to seal, once and for all, his parents' grave.

No more relations here requiring long term 'accommodation', 
one last honour from a man now older than them.

He watched us use planks and rollers and bars and brute force,
this selfless Pharaoh sealed a tomb,
one last veneration without personal gain.

Sometimes you know the job has to be done right,
not because the client is going to be an asshole,
it's because you sense something deeper
and can't help but respond
to the most important word that will ever exist

respect.

 

What a great poem. Love this.  

Wondering about "once and for all"....almost sounds like they tried before, but something didn't work.  

Also, just throwing out the possibility of ending at "....respond"    Reason: the "respect" is in the title. Something's gotta' give otherwise you are hitting me w/a hammer in trying to get me to see this respect thing. Have a heart, man.  I understand.  
   
Please, I sound pretty negative, but I'm not. Again, I love this. Love the use of "veneration" / something deeper / done right  /  thousands of miles...all these things bring home the "respect" to me, for me.  
 

Thanks indar and Tim.
I'll consider your advice, and definitely agree that the last few lines need to be culled...they were written with a hammer instead of a pen

For me, calling N Tony initially without any further detail seems a little bit odd. Perhaps you were going for something other than I'm recognizing.
The portion where you mention 

He watched us use planks and rollers and bars and brute force,
this selfless Pharaoh sealed a tomb,
one last veneration without personal gain.

also flies by me because of the fact the Pharaoh seals themselves. It's quite likely that I'm off the mark on that one. Regardless, the vocabulary throughout was very strong and well implemented.

I think I'm missing something here, and it's probably the fault of my brain rather than your writing

Overall, I like it. I even like the abstract ending (barring the last line, which is unnecessary IMO and could be deleted without harming the poem in any way). But it feels unresolved in some way, and I think it has something to do with the shift of focus (from Tony, to the relations being sealed away, to the N and his workers.)

to seal, once and for all, his parents' grave.

No more relations here requiring long term 'accommodation', 
one last honour from a man now older than them.

Is it just his parents'? Why is it being sealed now, after what must be a generation since their death? Did they die young? Who else has been buried since they were? Did someone else die and now the crypt is full? These lines raise all sorts of questions for me, but the ending suggests these have nothing to do with the poem. I'm wracking my brains trying to figure out why this grave is being sealed so long after they died.

He watched us use planks and rollers and barsi and brute force,
this selfless Pharaoh sealed a tomb,

I get why he's a Pharaoh, because of this grave-sealing thing, but why is he selfless? Why is it relevant to the poem? And don't Pharaohs normally get sealed inside the tomb, rather than supervising the sealing?? The word Pharoah is conjuring up all sorts of King Tut images for me that I think again are probably not the intent of this poem.

one last veneration without personal gain.

What were the previous venerations? Did they have some personal gain? Why would they?

Sometimes you know the job has to be done right,
not because the client is going to be an asshole,
it's because you sense something deeper
and can't help but respond

i like all of these lines. The flow is excellent. It's theoretically abstract, but since it's sharing the POV of the contractor I think it's not genuinely so. Anyway, it just feels right.

to the most important word that will ever exist

respect.
 
These lines I think could be dispensed with entirely.

Hi Colm

I like the poem a lot, but also agree with the points made, especially the questions raised by Amie.

You specifically imply Tony's not an asshole, yet he comes to supervise people who presumably know what they are doing and don't need an amateur supervisor. Tony's motivations come across as ambiguous.

Mark

Apols for not replying, NaPo got in the way.
I'll try to respond to all your comments soon