Listen

[Amie]

I haven't written anything for a very long time. Here's me dipping my toe back in the water, from a quick sketch:

Listen

My dad was born in New York
but never spoke English.
Not until he was five
not until kindergarten, where no one else
spoke Armenian.

I wish we could really speak
but I'm not quite five
and you're pretending to have forgotten
your mother tongue.

[Matty11]

The title caught my eye and I see how it frames the poem. The repetition of experience through the generations is what I picked up on...spoke/speak. I liked the kindergarten/forgotten sound play.

look forward to more toe dips

best

matty

[Amie]

Thanks Matty

I feel like S2 is a little abstract, but I thought I'd start putting some things out there to see if feedback jogs anything

[Tim J Brennan]

I haven't written anything for a very long time. Here's me dipping my toe back in the water, from a quick sketch:

Listen

My dad was born in New York
but never spoke English.
Not until he was five
not until kindergarten, where no one else
spoke Armenian.

I wish we could really speak
but I'm not quite five
and you're pretending to have forgotten
your mother tongue.

A bit "prosey" maybe. But I've never let that deter my own stuff on occasion. I think the "idea" of the poem is great. Title is nice. Specific.  

"when" instead of "where"...just a thought. Reason: B/c of the time connection. Helps it along, I think.  The first line of S2 does the opposite. Awkwardly phrased w/L2.  Maybe it's the tense. The present tense of you being five threw me off after the past tense of S1.  Something not quite right there, at least to my ear.   
 

[Amie]

Thanks Tim. I agree that it probably needs to be less "prosey" - and probably by more visceral engagement. That said, I'm reasonably happy with S1 (which is also prosey). S2 needs more work.

Substituting "when" for "where" won't work here (at least for me). No one else has ever spoken Armenian, taken temporally - it's a minority language that hardly anyone speaks. But locally, in pockets, many people have spoken Armenian. When my dad was growing up, everyone around him spoke Armenian - so the "when" is irrelevant. It's not when but where. At home, and his neighbourhood, everyone spoke Armenian. But in kindergarten, they spoke English. He had to learn quickly, despite having been born in the US.

Being five - of course I meant emotionally, not literally - I am much older than 5 (I guess it's obvious now that this is an I-poem. I don't always hate I-poems )

[Tim J Brennan]

Thanks Tim. I agree that it probably needs to be less "prosey" - and probably by more visceral engagement. That said, I'm reasonably happy with S1 (which is also prosey). S2 needs more work.

Substituting "when" for "where" won't work here (at least for me). No one else has ever spoken Armenian, taken temporally - it's a minority language that hardly anyone speaks. But locally, in pockets, many people have spoken Armenian. When my dad was growing up, everyone around him spoke Armenian - so the "when" is irrelevant. It's not when but where. At home, and his neighbourhood, everyone spoke Armenian. But in kindergarten, they spoke English. He had to learn quickly, despite having been born in the US.

Being five - of course I meant emotionally, not literally - I am much older than 5 (I guess it's obvious now that this is an I-poem. I don't always hate I-poems )

I think you are on the right track when telling yourself that S2 needs your attention, Aimie. A couple of things you're telling me are not coming across as written.

Also, concerning S1, my suggestion from where to when was prompted b/c the word placement makes it sound like it occurs only in kindergarten.

I am still a fan     

[Dave]

Hi Amie
An interesting and very topical poem. There are a couple of concerns already addressed by Tim. How about just dropping never in line 2 since line 3 makes its idea redundant and the word forces the reader to re-adjust.
My dad was born in New York
but didn't speak English.
Not until he was five (,) (comma)
not until kindergarten
(not until no one spoke Armenian)

Stanza 2, as said needs work.

Good to have you back writing.

Dave
 

[Amie]

Thanks Dave and Tim

I seem to be struggling to do anything that isn't work-related at the moment (too much work, not likely to change any time soon), so it's nice to be able to find a few moments to write a few lines or read what you all have written - hopefully I will find some time shortly to incorporate your comments into the next revision of this poem

[Tracy Mitchell]

Amie -- if work is getting in the way of your writing, you know what to do . . . 

Seriously, nice to see you writing.  I liked this - you associate ideas well.

T

[Mark]

Nice writing, matter of fact but under-laid with a dash of poignancy. A suggestion is to consider eliminating the duplication of 'five' while tightening a little here and there. Kindergarten is of German origin of course but then so is English originally.

My dad was born in New York
but never spoke English.
until kindergarten, where no one else
spoke Armenian.

I wish we could really speak
but I'm not quite five
and you pretend to have forgotten
your mother tongue.