The Tangled Branch Discussion Forums

Second version
Grasses converse and nod                  
while wordless snow's
tightening fist
smothers their voices.

I lay a Trail -
dots and dashes -
from door
to life preserving
door.

Original version

Grasses converse in low murmurs,
nod agreement while, wordless snow
like a tightening fist smothers
other voices. Not my footfalls;
they scrunch a morse of dots and dashes
from door to life preserving door.

Love this, Dave.  You know I would.  the spirit of the grass couples well with the snow in the context you provide.
Consider "code" rather than Morse.  Just my thought.

T

Thanks Tracy. Code would be a fine alteration yes. The poem is not very original but helps stop the mind from turning to jelly

Well, I enjoyed the read Dave: the conspiracy of nods and murmurs; the smothering silence; the noise of scrunching.

Grasses converse in low murmurs,
nod agreement while, wordless snow
like a tightening fist smothers
fledgling voices. Not my footfalls;.........................alliteration, more specific?
they scrunch a morse of dots and dashes
from door to life preserving door.

matty

Dave wrote: ↑

Mon Mar 05, 2018 8:49 am

Grasses converse in low murmurs, nod agreement while, wordless snowlike a tightening fist smothers other voices. Not my footfalls;
they scrunch a morse of dots and dashes
from door to life preserving door.

Nature has no need for instruments, provides its own chorus. Curious about the comma after "while,"...strictly for pause rather than use?   

Hi Dave,
Like this one. OK, not the most original subject, but you do give it a different twist.
I like T's 'code' suggestion.
My suggested edit would go something like this.

Grasses converse in low murmurs                      
and nodding agreement, 
while wordless snow's
tightening fist
smothers other voices.

My footfalls
scrunch a code,
dots and dashes
from door
to life preserving door.

Thanks Colm, nice edit, will certainly consider closely.
Thanks Tim , yes the comma is misplaced.
Thanks Matty, fledglng is a wonderful word but in two minds at the moment.
Dave

I enjoyed both versions Dave. Not very helpful I know. Perhaps the revision is smoother, breathes more, but is softer - maybe there was more feel of a tightening fist in the original, maybe the voice was harder in the original form. Either way I enjoyed both versions!

best

matty

I much prefer the original version.    Perhaps the use of "code" rather than Morse is a good suggestion and maybe remove the word "like" in L3

nod agreement while, wordless snow:
a tightening fist smothers



Very nice 

The most recent version does loose some fine elements from prior version, but the trade-off is worth it, in my view - the result is a lean, stark, powerful 9 lines, with great flow.

T