The Tangled Branch Discussion Forums

The hills are no joke,
You will be.
Fossilized sweat
trails the ladder, daunting
and precipitous.

Kiss of cobbles,
Cribbs & Chain below.
Lusting streets rocked
by sea and cider, men,
goading the light,
cheer in dead chords.

The silent harbour,
cured with pastel brick,
ships that bleed
on the shore

***

Blue and I see tradition,
feel nothing,
and stop

Near a tropical
groves leak, past
palm to granite fist,
the arm's length
equal to silver bar.

White gulls, in
days last shade
call and fly.
Lapping them up,
the skies edge
is nothing for
yellowed beak.

Over seabed of
ghosts, Cornish
sea makes love to
Memory, fleeting as
the bird it welds.

In visions arch
coats in knot,
caramelize love
with the wax.
Chilling gas
a teens angst,
Brooding, and
wants to get in.

Spill of pink tires,
reflects water
and time,
Dutch pills and
lovely March

Realities blade,
cuts past into loss
and anchors
borrowed hearts.

Nostalgias bell,
too close to hear
but dead can
always die again.

Gylly weeps for
keys twist, as
Blue roars
an end.

Hi Eladbernard,
                      One of the lessons I've learnt from posting on forums is compromise. I expect readers to understand my writing and so often they don't. Obviously, I've resisted compromising for communication, but if the poem is not communicating what is the point? There are insightful readers on TB and so when my poems fail to translate meaning then I know I need to revise.

There are many attractive phrases in your poem - 

goading the light,
cheer in dead chords.

I like those expressions, but I don't know what they mean. There are better readers here so perhaps this is just me!

best

matty

 

Hi
Matty makes a good point here. One of the problems with this poem ahs got to be the choppy line breaks which makes the poem disjointed and read like short hard waves coming into shore. What possible gain is there from breaking up:
Fossilized sweat trails the ladder,
daunting and precipitous.
Then there are the longish passages without active verbs making the text seem like a  somewhat dead decription. Even then the verbs quite come in passive form so the poem lacks true drive and the ideas remain poorly linked.

Added to that and allowing for poetic licence much of this cannot be understood by anyone other than the writer, especially where the grammar fails:
Near a tropical
groves leak,  - this makes no sense on any common grammatical level.

You clearly ahve capacitiy to think and apply imagination but an understanding for the reader is lacking.
Dave
 

Hi guys,

Thank you for taking the time to read this. With what you both said, and strange as it sounds I've never thought about the reader, (writing that seems absurd), as I have only ever written for me.

After going over it again I completely agree with the "if it doesn't communicate, what's the point". The reader needs to understand.

Also, Dave, what you said about the descriptions not making any sense - has just struck me as, I can picture the place, but how do put that picture in the mind of the reader.

I'll also be sure to change the structure and fluidity.

This is such great feedback, and a massive help to me.

Thank you again!

Dale

I really like this line, it's so counterintuitive, and that's why it makes you think.

Blue and I see tradition,
feel nothing,
and stop

It may not be entirely possible to understand this piece, but (at least in my shoes) it's possible to relate. There's a relation between the ambiguity, a common denominator. And it seems as though it may just need some perspective to understand.

I do agree with the lines being too short though. Emphasize meaning where you want it, not where it goes.

Hi E,
There is so much to enjoy here. And I agree with Dave about the clipped lines, (although I do often write with short sentences) especially seeing how you have so much to say, and write so well.
Please rewrite this, with longer lines. Or at least with better direction through more carefully placed punctuation.
Looking forward to your edit.
 

There are many fine poems with short line length. But to make them work there is a sustained thought that runs through or drives the poem or narrative forward. There are many fine images in this writing along with some unnecessary abstract language that can be trimmed out. I would love to see an edit that keeps the sea-theme but with a strong forward movement and conclusion. Interesting writing, I look forward to your further participation.