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Cross Words (revision)
Posted: Wed Feb 28, 2018 10:53 pm
by Matty11
revision
She switches on the lamp
behind his reading chair,
picks up the Telegraph,
dwells on the vacant space.
The doodled boats he anchored
in margins were so him.
The word's kedging. He'd know.
She leaves it incomplete.
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original
She switches on the lamp
behind his reading chair,
picks up the Telegraph
and notes the empty space.
The anchored boats he'd doodle
in margins were so him.
The word's kedging. He'd know.
She leaves it incomplete.
Footnote: kedging is a method of turning a ship/boat around
Re: Crosswords
Posted: Thu Mar 01, 2018 9:30 am
by Dave
In total I like this. It is simple, clear and has a certain melancoly that is nevertheless light and natural. The only line that jars is L4 S1, which only makes sense once S2 has been read so in the moment it is encountered it appears strange.
Dave
Re: Crosswords
Posted: Thu Mar 01, 2018 7:11 pm
by Colm Roe
Hi Matty,
Love the poignancy of this, and it's written so lightly. Lots said in few words.
I see what Dave is saying. My suggested edit.
She switches on the lamp
behind his reading chair
and picks up the Telegraph,
anchored boats
doodled in the margins
were so him.
One word catches her eye,
kedging,
a word they knew.
She leaves it unfinished.
Re: Crosswords
Posted: Fri Mar 02, 2018 8:51 am
by indar
She switches on the lamp
behind his reading chair,
picks up the Telegraph
and notes the empty space.
The anchored boats he'd doodle
in margins were so him.
The word's
kedging. He'd know.
She leaves it incomplete.
HI Phil,
Nice illustration off a moment that comes to us all in some form. The elements are there but I found myself wanting a different organization. Please forgive the fiddle with your poem (couldn't help myself)
She switches on the lamp
behind his reading chair,
picks up the Telegraph
The boats he anchored in the margins
with his ballpoint
were so him, she notes
the empty space.
The word's kedging. He'd know.
She leaves it incomplete.
Wonderful word to end this poem on. Sometimes the simplest are the most human.
Re: Crosswords (revision)
Posted: Fri Mar 02, 2018 2:02 pm
by Matty11
Thanks Dave, Colm, and Indar. I've revisited S1L4 with a more expressive verb. I like Indar's use of anchored and tweaked that line too. I'm keeping to regular lines for now.
cheers
matty/Phil
Re: Cross Words (revision)
Posted: Sun Mar 18, 2018 1:24 pm
by Tracy Mitchell
I get the cherished bond, and the obvious decline.
I missed the Telegraph thing. Then the light came on & the rest made sense.
Love the pacing of the text with the subject matter.
T
Re: Cross Words (revision)
Posted: Mon Mar 19, 2018 12:47 am
by Matty11
Thanks for reading this too Tracy. Pleased the 'pacing' is heard. I can hear it, but never sure if readers can.
cheers
Phil