The Tangled Branch Discussion Forums

It's black and beautiful.
The new-leather aroma 
induces a slow nasal intake,
the open-mouthed exhale
almost audible, almost mantra.

Too fast for laughable limits
and too expensive,
but sometimes
we get our measurements wrong
or forget there is a measure.

He knows he'll rust before it
and leave others to polish 
gentle circles
tracing
his. 





 
 

Hey Colm,

I really like this. It captures a lot in a short space - both the more lighthearted moments (“sometimes / we get our measurements wrong / or forget to measure”) as well as the irony and bitter sweetness of owning something beautiful, knowing that it will outlive you.

Skillfully done Colm. Carries weight with lightness of touch...perfectly weighted!

It's black and beautiful.
The new leather aroma 
induces a slow nasal intake,
the open mouthed exhale
almost audible, almost mantra.

Too fast for laughable limits
and too expensive,
but sometimes
we get our measurements wrong
or forget there is a measure...like that soft sound thread mouthed/mantra/measure

He knows he'll rust before it...the earlier emphasis on leather doesn't thread to rust?
and leave others to polish 
gentle circles........................poignant - the 'others' skirting around the individual
tracing
his. 

very much enjoyed

matty

A couple of thoughts on line endings, Colm.
A very nice piece.  Maggie

Black and beautiful,
its new leather aroma induces
a slow nasal intake, an open-mouthed
exhale, almost audible, almost a mantra.

Too fast for laughable limits
and too expensive, but sometimes
we get our measurements wrong
or forget there is a measure.

He knows he'll rust before it,
leave others to polish 
gentle circles tracing his. 

Hi Colm
If this was mine I would cut line 1 as I find it distracts and I don't think is as strong as line 2. I would cut stanza 2 completely as I found it slow and awkward and actually the rest says it all better and more succinctly (or at leats I think it does since it explains whatever it wants to say rather abstractly).
Dave
 

Thanks all.
Hyphens added Indy.
S2 may be a little vague, but it has to stay in some shape.
This is a dying N (no surprise there) who decides to buy an expensive new car. The speed limits are so restrictive, and he should be more sensible by buying a cheaper/slower car....but he's dying! 'We get measurements wrong' is being told you're dying, but they're not sure exactly how long you've got. 'or forget to measure' is for healthy people who assume they'll live forever, and are so conservative with financial planning they lose sight of the end. 
So he bought the car, loved it, polished it. It'll be left to his son/daughter, who'll (hopefully) take care of it, and polish it the way he did. As they repeat his ritual their hands repeat a connection! OK, maybe not. But he's dying and likes the idea of an essence/trace remaining...even if it's just that.
mf, the last S, what about this?
     
He knows he'll rust before it
and leave others
to polish gentle circles,
tracing his. 
 

Hold my hand up Colm. I didn't see a 'car' - perhaps that could be the title?

best

matty