It's black and beautiful.
The new-leather aroma
induces a slow nasal intake,
the open-mouthed exhale
almost audible, almost mantra.
Too fast for laughable limits
and too expensive,
but sometimes
we get our measurements wrong
or forget there is a measure.
He knows he'll rust before it
and leave others to polish
gentle circles
tracing
his.
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There is a limit
-
avwhis6466
- Posts: 51
- Joined: Mon Feb 19, 2018 7:41 am
Re: There is a limit
Hey Colm,
I really like this. It captures a lot in a short space - both the more lighthearted moments (“sometimes / we get our measurements wrong / or forget to measure”) as well as the irony and bitter sweetness of owning something beautiful, knowing that it will outlive you.
I really like this. It captures a lot in a short space - both the more lighthearted moments (“sometimes / we get our measurements wrong / or forget to measure”) as well as the irony and bitter sweetness of owning something beautiful, knowing that it will outlive you.
Re: There is a limit
It's black and beautiful.
The new leather aroma should there be a hyphen? new-leather
induces a slow nasal intake, "induces" doesn't seem to fit with the plain-speak of the rest of this poem
the open mouthed exhale again--hyphen? open-mouthed?
almost audible, almost mantra. Love this
Too fast for laughable limits
and too expensive,
but sometimes
we get our measurements wrong
or forget there is a measure. Yeah--- good for us!
He knows he'll rust before it
and leave others to polish
gentle circles
tracing
his. Wonderful-- live large until the end!.
The new leather aroma should there be a hyphen? new-leather
induces a slow nasal intake, "induces" doesn't seem to fit with the plain-speak of the rest of this poem
the open mouthed exhale again--hyphen? open-mouthed?
almost audible, almost mantra. Love this
Too fast for laughable limits
and too expensive,
but sometimes
we get our measurements wrong
or forget there is a measure. Yeah--- good for us!
He knows he'll rust before it
and leave others to polish
gentle circles
tracing
his. Wonderful-- live large until the end!.
Re: There is a limit
Skillfully done Colm. Carries weight with lightness of touch...perfectly weighted!
matty
very much enjoyedIt's black and beautiful.
The new leather aroma
induces a slow nasal intake,
the open mouthed exhale
almost audible, almost mantra.
Too fast for laughable limits
and too expensive,
but sometimes
we get our measurements wrong
or forget there is a measure...like that soft sound thread mouthed/mantra/measure
He knows he'll rust before it...the earlier emphasis on leather doesn't thread to rust?
and leave others to polish
gentle circles........................poignant - the 'others' skirting around the individual
tracing
his.
matty
Re: There is a limit
A couple of thoughts on line endings, Colm.
A very nice piece. Maggie
Black and beautiful,
its new leather aroma induces
a slow nasal intake, an open-mouthed
exhale, almost audible, almost a mantra.
Too fast for laughable limits
and too expensive, but sometimes
we get our measurements wrong
or forget there is a measure.
He knows he'll rust before it,
leave others to polish
gentle circles tracing his.
A very nice piece. Maggie
Black and beautiful,
its new leather aroma induces
a slow nasal intake, an open-mouthed
exhale, almost audible, almost a mantra.
Too fast for laughable limits
and too expensive, but sometimes
we get our measurements wrong
or forget there is a measure.
He knows he'll rust before it,
leave others to polish
gentle circles tracing his.
Re: There is a limit
Hi Colm
If this was mine I would cut line 1 as I find it distracts and I don't think is as strong as line 2. I would cut stanza 2 completely as I found it slow and awkward and actually the rest says it all better and more succinctly (or at leats I think it does since it explains whatever it wants to say rather abstractly).
Dave
If this was mine I would cut line 1 as I find it distracts and I don't think is as strong as line 2. I would cut stanza 2 completely as I found it slow and awkward and actually the rest says it all better and more succinctly (or at leats I think it does since it explains whatever it wants to say rather abstractly).
Dave
Re: There is a limit
Thanks all.
Hyphens added Indy.
S2 may be a little vague, but it has to stay in some shape.
This is a dying N (no surprise there) who decides to buy an expensive new car. The speed limits are so restrictive, and he should be more sensible by buying a cheaper/slower car....but he's dying! 'We get measurements wrong' is being told you're dying, but they're not sure exactly how long you've got. 'or forget to measure' is for healthy people who assume they'll live forever, and are so conservative with financial planning they lose sight of the end.
So he bought the car, loved it, polished it. It'll be left to his son/daughter, who'll (hopefully) take care of it, and polish it the way he did. As they repeat his ritual their hands repeat a connection! OK, maybe not. But he's dying and likes the idea of an essence/trace remaining...even if it's just that.
mf, the last S, what about this?
He knows he'll rust before it
and leave others
to polish gentle circles,
tracing his.
Hyphens added Indy.
S2 may be a little vague, but it has to stay in some shape.
This is a dying N (no surprise there) who decides to buy an expensive new car. The speed limits are so restrictive, and he should be more sensible by buying a cheaper/slower car....but he's dying! 'We get measurements wrong' is being told you're dying, but they're not sure exactly how long you've got. 'or forget to measure' is for healthy people who assume they'll live forever, and are so conservative with financial planning they lose sight of the end.
So he bought the car, loved it, polished it. It'll be left to his son/daughter, who'll (hopefully) take care of it, and polish it the way he did. As they repeat his ritual their hands repeat a connection! OK, maybe not. But he's dying and likes the idea of an essence/trace remaining...even if it's just that.
mf, the last S, what about this?
He knows he'll rust before it
and leave others
to polish gentle circles,
tracing his.
Re: There is a limit
Hold my hand up Colm. I didn't see a 'car' - perhaps that could be the title?
best
matty
best
matty