Watertight

[Ike]

How fast a stroll is a stride?
And how many waves make a tide?
What part of syntax,
is importance?

Under the ocean, 
is their a trove,
questions unanswered,
& a lust for gold?

The fish swims passed,
wondering what's land.
But how can I convey,
he'll die if he knows
 

[Matty11]

The salmon swims past
wonders what's on land.
How can I convey,
he'll know if he dies?

..........perhaps reverse the word order for the irony focus? You could condense the poem to the central question?
 
Hope that helps some

Best

Matty

[Ike]

Matty,

Thanks for your insight. Your detail with salmon certainly is a nice touch, as well as the reverse phrasing. I think the reverse sort of strays away from the meaning I was striving for, though. Maybe I need to solidify what I'm saying then, so the ambiguity is aimed in the right direction.
Thanks again

[indar]

Post by megacovax » Sun, 18 Feb 2018, 6:43

How fast a stroll is a stride?
And how many waves make a tide?
What part of syntax,
is importance?

Under the ocean, 
is their a trove, (there)
questions unanswered,
& a lust for gold?

The fish swims passed, (past)
wondering what's land.
But how can I convey,
he'll die if he knows

Hi Ike, 
I agree, Mattie's (Phil) suggestion to name the fish:salmon is good. I'm not certain what the last two lines of the first stanza mean. Would it be better stated "what part of a sentence is important?" Congratulations on a first poem

[Janet]

Hi there. I particularly enjoy the final stanza. It seems to resonate more as your voice. The first two stanzas may be too much abstraction? A good exercise might be starting a new poem with:

The fish swims past,
wondering what's land.
But how can I convey,
he'll die if he knows?

Then see where it goes...

[alexorande]

How fast a stroll is a stride? Opening a poem up with a question can be tricky bc you're sacrificing the option of grabbing the reader with evoking imagery. Questions can evoke, but they're tricky because a question is going to stir up thought by nature, so you need to go that extra mile to make the question, esp one that opens up a poem, a good one. Imo this isn't done well here. The question doesn't make any sense; you're asking how fast a walk is of a stride, or, pace? It could use some rewording, but even then the question still is not powerful enough to open up the poem.
And how many waves make a tide? 
What part of syntax, I'd omit this comma
is importance? "important" sounds better to my ears

Under the ocean,
is their a trove, 
questions unanswered,
& a lust for gold?

The fish swims passed,
wondering what's land.
But how can I convey,
he'll die if he knows

I feel like you could be restricting yourself bc of your rhyme scheme, which is all over the place. Good luck with it.

Best, Alex

[Ike]

Thanks for the corrections, Indar. I don't know how i missed the "their" one 

Janet, that's a really good idea because my words and ideas always jump around like crazy and that would help me stay focused. 

Alex, I didn't do a good job conveying it but I was trying to do a series of progressively more difficult questions kind of like how people pretend to be deep by asking a silly question. I probably do limit myself with the rhymes but I take inspiration from Bob Dylan and can't seem to shake it. Even though it is always off meter. Thank you very much for the constructive criticism, I'll try to implement it.

[Tim J Brennan]

I like the introduction of "salmon" but as they do most of their "living" in fresh water and the Pacific salmon only return to salt water to die (this after spawning), I'm not sure this is the connotation you're after w/the ocean imagery.  

I do think it changes the arc of the poem. Something to think about, for sure.