The Tangled Branch Discussion Forums

If I could get this story out

After four years on the job 
there is no way to be ready. 
And for some reason late Friday afternoons 
my agency is a magnet.  

Of course no one would bother calling
if they needed nothing. Here we foster
the audible exchange.
There is no visual soul. We must be clear.  

And the listening.  

By default our work trains
us in empathy. Imagination.
It's what destiny wanted.  

An hour before the end of the day, 
a woman’s speech races forward, tangled in anxiety.
Otherwise our intimacy would be completely unnatural.  

The caller's needs revolve around 
her stolen meds, money and wheelchair. 
She’s either coming out of a seizure 
or going into one. Or both.
She's vulnerable. Destitute.  

The woman falls into no known category of relation 
(not friend, family or acquaintance).  

No she's far too real for that.

After four years on the job
there (still) is no way to be ready. 
And for some reason late Fridays afternoons 
my agency is a magnet.  

Of course no one would bother calling
if they needed nothing. Here we foster
the audible exchange.
There is no visual soul. We must be clear.  

And the listening.  

By default our work trains
us in empathy. Imagination.
It's what destiny wanted.  

An hour before the end of the day, (Predictably, in the final hour)
a woman’s speech races forward, tangled in anxiety.
Otherwise our intimacy would be completely unnatural. ( Binds us in unnatural intimacy)

The caller's needs revolve around 
her stolen meds, money and wheelchair. 
She’s either coming out of a seizure 
or going into one. Or both.
She's vulnerable. Destitute.  

The woman falls into no known category of relation 
(not friend, family or acquaintance).  

No she's far too real for that.

Hi Janet,

I feel a little exhausted just thinking about this job description. I kind of though it got a little wordy in places--made some suggestions but I think there are many other options for trimming down a bit.

Hi Linda. Thank you for helping me see the needed economy. I can already tell it will be better after trimming the fat.
 Hysterical

There is no way to be ready
when your agency is a magnet
for crises.  

Here there is no visual soul. 
We must be clear.  

Let us have empathy. 

Today, a woman’s voice races
forward, tangled in anxiety.  
Her caregiver has stolen her
meds, money and wheelchair. 

The woman's on the verge
of another seizure. 

She falls into no known
category of relation. 

No, she's far too real for that.


 

Wow, Janet - you find the heart of the matter.  The revision feels like a qualitative upgrade, with the possible exception of the ending, which may be  a lateral move.

S.6 of the revision has become cerebral with the loss of the examples of the relationship categories.  Friends, family, acquaintances didn't quite feel right either, but is maybe just a jot or twiddle away.

S.5 . The woman verges on . . .  .    - removes the passive.

For the poem, I liked the original mention of coming out of a seizure as well, but not sure of the medical likelihood of the symptoms you describe applying to both situations.  

The poem is in moment and so subtly move us readers from focus on the harried staffers on a Friday afternoon to this poor woman and the reality of her situation.  Artful. 

If you talk to the Narrator, tell him/her that the operational rule is to get into the office early on a Friday and then get out early.  Anything coming through the door without an appointment, over the transom, or by phone on a Friday after 3:00 pm is nothing but trouble.  Callous opinion?  I came by it honestly.

Lovely writing.

T

 

Hi Tracy- those are great suggestions- thank you. Also thank you for the kind words. I'm glad it read in the moment. As for not answering Friday afternoon calls, N has a contract.  ;)  

Nice writing Janet.
I agree with Tracy about S6
A suggested edit.

She doesn't fall or fit
into any of our 
'designed by management' categories 

She's far too real for that.

Enjoyed the read.

 

Thanks for reading and the suggestion, Colm. I agree I took too much out there and can smudge a little back in.

. . . N has a contract. 

N has an agenda item for the next contract renegotiation.  

Still love the poem.

T