Driving Down Mount Palomar

[indar]

Driving Down Mount Palomar

The South Grade goes into perfect turns: 
sweeping left, the right hand side
lifts gracefully to your tires.
The trick is light-touch steering,
just enough and the road will take you.

Pinyon pines line the inside,
wave green branches at passersby,  
the air so clear that banking round  
an outside curve, a risen blue 
edge of the world shows itself,
keeps pace, climbs down the mountain
with you. There is a kind of silent music: 
this motion and response
low in the throat, driving alone.

When the road, at last, withdraws, 
casts you out into that vast dome
of air and light
then sinks away,
there will be that moment.

 

[Tracy Mitchell]

Very much to like in this poem.  The feel of a slalom drive down the mountain side and through the pinions is captivating.  I am right with you on this.  The trees are a wonderful touch, as is the ocean, keeping pace.

I don't know that it needs any changes of any kind.

I did not notice the road x3 usage until you mentioned, so to me it does not stand out.  If you are intent on replacing one or more, though, the first thing would be to decide which one usage you like best – the one to keep.  Here are some suggestions to consider as alternatives – 

S.1 L.1 – The Nate Harrison Grade, The Highway to the Stars (for local consumption there is nothing better than local names which don’t need explaining), course, highway, track,

S.1 L.5 – drive, course, swish, route, way

S.3 L.1 – course, way

Other thoughts:

S.1 L.1 – “goes” > slides / falls / swishes (the one which best couples with the new noun.

S.3 L.1 – “withdraws” > gives way / recedes / surrenders

S.3 L.2 – “out into that” > into a 

That’s all I got.  And these are just thoughts, not necessarily advocating any changes.


T 
 

[indar]

Great suggestions. I don't know what happens to my brain sometimes--it seizes up once I write something a certain way and there--just--is--no--other--word I can use. I'll have to research the road down Palomar and hope it has some designation other than HWY 79.

Slalom---Olympic coverage starts in an hour. Football, humbug.

Thanks so much Tracy.

[Colm Roe]

If it was mine...use or lose.
I did enjoy the helter skelter ride down the mountain 

Driving Down Mount Palomar

A corkscrew of perfect turns sweep left,
the right side cambers
a gentle hug 
a gracefully tilt.
The trick is light-touch steering,
just enough
the road will hold you.

Pinion pines defend the inside,
their branches reach towards me. 
The air so clear
that banking round an outside curve,
the risen blue edge of the world
reveals itself.
It keeps pace 
and climbs down the mountain with me.

Driving alone
there is a kind of silent music: 
low in the throat
a mantra, a motion, a response. 

When the road eventually levels,
casts you out into that open space
to drive free

there will be that moment.

[Dave]

Hi Took me a while toenjoy this, which I think has to dowithe fact that S1 for me is the weakest. I like what Colm has suggested as it streamlines some of the images and provides some beautiful words to add to yourse or give them an extra dimension.

The best lines are those revealing the rising blue.

Nice work

Dave

[indar]

Thanks Both,

Colm, I posted an earlier reply but it disappeared. You taught me a new word: camber. I don't think I've ever heard it used before, I wonder if its more common than I know. I try to avoid esoteric language in my writing--not that its wrong, it just isn't me. But I really like this one it is so perfect for this poem. Love to hear from others on this forum if I've just led a life sheltered from road-words. You've given me a lot to think about in your suggested revision.

Thank you Dave--I'm not above using the suggestions of others so I'll take your advice to look at Colm's advice in the rewrite

 

[Matty11]

The trick is light-touch steering,
just enough and the road will take you.

I like that 'give yourself up to' feel - an inclusion of the reader as well as N. I thought your poem conveyed a true sense of the experience. your ship of running steel - found that strained for poetic effect and took me out of the drive experience anyway. I had no issue with the use of road.

enjoyed

matty

[indar]

Thanks Matty,

I think I agree with your thought re the ship of running steel.

[Colm Roe]

Camber is in common use in this part of the world

[indar]

I live in an area of foothills and mountains to the east. I'm going to make a sign and demonstrate on behalf of the word "camber". Thanks Colm