The Tangled Branch Discussion Forums

Twelve hundred kilometres in three days
tracing the Wild Atlantic Way,
we drive with one aim
we drive West 

and stop when instructed by the ocean
or jagged rocks,
eventually pulled back by other tides 
or just pause, stunned by sunsets

we ebb
walk strands 
feel the water sucked in breaths
beneath our feet

close to the edge.



 

I'm a sucker for roadie poems--this is the best I've read in a very long time. 

we drive with one aim
we drive West 

What a wonderful double meaning the word "aim" takes on

I could rave on about every choice of words and every image. The ocean instructs

Stunned by sunsets

My one nit is that perhaps Twelve hundred kilometers could be eliminated. But maybe that's because I'm just a "miles" kind of person. More likely there seems to be too many numbers at the start.

Love this poem--love it.
 

Thanks indar, glad you liked it.
This was very different initially, it was a numbers poem. The first line is all that remains, so I think you're probably right about removing it...or at least a serious edit.

Hi Colm- I found much to enjoy. Especially love the ocean's instructions and water sucked in breaths. I like too how the jagged rocks are echoed visually by the line breaks.

sucked in breaths "away from" rather than "beneath" might make the water more active; and

a sentence or phrase in the title leading into the poem (such as While Driving West of Ireland...) might also enhance the sense of movement/driving.

Minor stuff. Really enjoyed it.

Ah, love this! Especially the first 2 stanzas. Feel like Im lacking/skimping technical advice today, v tired sorry. Just to say I sure enjoyed.

Any better?

On a long weekend

hundreds of miles, 
compressed 
then exhausted  
through the rear view mirror
 
tracing the Wild Atlantic Way,
we drive with one aim
we drive West 

and stop when instructed by the ocean
or jagged rocks,
eventually pulled back by other tides 
or just pause, stunned by sunsets

we ebb
walk strands 
feel the water sucked in breaths
beneath our feet                                  

close to the edge.

Hi Janet,
Apols, I forgot to say thanks for your approval and suggestions...always appreciated.
 

Thanks for reading Sharon.
Maybe you like it because it's not yet another one of Drab's death poems 
Actually it probably is   I haven't quite decided.
 

Indeed Colm, a fabulous poem made even fabulouser

Hi Colm I really like this but prefer the immediacy of the original. Now it reads too deliberate and poetic. The fourth stanza is particulary stunning.
Dave