The Tangled Branch Discussion Forums

Before I Summon the Eagle

The tall, bespectacled department head
with broad shoulders and a confident gait
wouldn't say, “I am better than you.” 
Nonetheless.  

He’s talking space when he paces where
the walls, t.v. and his corner office will be. 
We were here 

first is not an argument a grown
woman can make. I am vapor. Soft on
the senses.

Easy to ignore. His dreams draw lines
in the carpet. I want to throw shadows. 
By morning

I've grown feathers on my breast. I
am ready.

Janet wrote: ↑

Fri Feb 02, 2018 5:29 pm

Before I Summon the Eagle

The tall, bespectacled department head
with broad shoulders and a confident gait
wouldn't say, “I am better than you.” 
Nonetheless.  

He’s talking space when he paces where
the walls, t.v. and his corner office will be. 
We were here 

first is not an argument a grown
woman can make. I am vapor. Soft on
the senses.

Easy to ignore. His dreams draw lines
in the carpet. I want to throw shadows. 
By morning

I've grown feathers on my breast. I
am ready.

small stuff:  I'd edit "a" L2.  I'd move "Nonetheless" to its own line and maybe even italicize it.  

Tighten S3:  add "off" after paces / edit out "where" & edit out "...will be"

Not sure I like the "we" in S2 (especially if you are referring to women?)...the plural seems odd to me, especially b/c that's the only time it's used and you immediately go to singular "I" in the same stanza and follow it up w/ "...a woman..."

I love the ending. Bravo. 
 

Hey Tim. Those suggested edits are keepers, thanks so much. Glad the ending worked for you, wasn’t sure.

Hi Janet, interesting transformation poem. I thought while reading that I'd like more of you and less of him. I've selected the lines that might achieve that, not an edit just an experiment.

The tall, bespectacled department head
wouldn't say, “I am better than you.” 
Nonetheless.  

He’s talking space where
his corner office will be. 
 
I am vapor. Soft on
the senses. Easy
to ignore. 

His dreams draw lines
in the carpet. I want to throw shadows. 
By morning

I've grown feathers on my breast.
I am ready.

Janet,

I enjoy reading this poem. I agree with David in wanting more of her and less of him. We all know him, or those like him pretty well.

this line: "first is not an argument a grown|woman can make" seems a bit telly.

I love this one: "His dreams draw line|in the carpet." and the ending.

Maybe another pass and a bit of trimming so the gems can shine.

Bets,

marc

Oh Janet--you need to write a companion poem. I want to know what happens next. This territorial scuffle must play out millions of times a day. But it is so subtle and such a common practice it goes almost unnoticed. I don't mind the attention on the department head---you got it right, the N becomes nothing in the face of his supreme importance. The resolve comes afterward. I wonder if "summoning the eagle" would work at the end of the poem. it almost sounds too powerful as an intro to your theme but would be mightily satisfying at the end.

Thank you all for the great feedback- all taken into account during revisions.

I think there might very well be a companion poem, Linda  And thanks for your nit about the title, I agree it's not very inviting as is. Better at the end

 

Janet - 

How creative and unique.  I love your metaphor.  Yes, the feathers are soft, and this reference is so much more effective than invoking, for example, the eagle's mighty wing span, or powerful grip of the claws.  Subtle, powerful, effective.

"talking space' - suggests 'taking space' - pacing.  Real nice.  the occasional line rhymes are natural and pleasing, as are the soft cadences.

Just some thoughts to take or leave:

Easy to ignore. His dreams draw lines                       -- already implied, more powerful than when expressed
in the carpet. I want mine to throw shadows. 
By morning

I don't know if that screws you rhythms here.

& I agree with Indar about the sequel.

Cheers.

T

This one builds from a slightly clunky (to my ear) start to a magical finish. I really love the end.

I don't often comment on meter in free verse poems, but I thin this would work better if you used iambic throughout, with just a few inverted feet at strategic points to draw emphasis.

The tall, bespectacled department head

This line makes for a rough start, and makes your linebreaks seem a bit random. I think "bespectacled" is the guilty party. A two syllable word I think would work better here.

with broad shoulders and a confident gait

This line also, doesn't scan well to me.

wouldn't say, “I am better than you.” 
Nonetheless.  

This reads better, but I think would be firmer with "would not" than "wouldn't"

He’s talking space when he paces where
the walls, t.v. and his corner office will be. 
We were here 

This all sounds fine.

first is not an argument a grown
woman can make. I am vapor. Soft on
the senses.

Similarly, this all sounds good. I particularly like "I am vapour"

Easy to ignore. His dreams draw lines
in the carpet. I want to throw shadows. 
By morning

Lovely.

I've grown feathers on my breast. I
am ready.

Even lovelier. Great ending.

Tracy and Amie, thanks so much for the feedback. You are absolutely right about the clunkiness Amie. I did my best with iambic throughout in the revision- bespectacled and broad shoulders were buggers sonically speaking. 

Likewise, I agree with you Tracy on your suggested edits.

It takes a village to write a poem

Here is my revision:

Another Day at the Office

Mr. PhD doesn’t say, “I am better.” 

Nonetheless. 

He talks about dividing
the space, begins pacing off 
the wall, t.v., his corner office.

My words are weightless. 
He’s impatient. I am not eight- 

I am vapor.  

The dream he draws in the carpet  
marks where mayors and such may 
someday meet. 

Staring at the ceiling, he 
says, “After we build the wall
I don’t want your people on 
this side, dismisses me with 
the flick of his watch.  

I’m old enough to know not 
to react. How to make upsets
something other than my fault. 

The next day I summon an eagle,
grow feathers on my breast. 

I am ready.