Morning

[Marc Gilbert]

I said “good morning” to the sun
and it sat there shining
indifferent to the earth and hour
and I, a brick to be used or not 
then crumble, thought for a time 
below its hot and careless gaze.

[Tim J Brennan]

I said “good morning” to the sun
and it sat there shining
indifferent to the earth and hour
and I, a brick to be used or not 
then crumble, thought for a time 
below its hot and careless gaze.

Like that the title does not contain "good"....maybe the first line should also follow?  Just a thought...

"indifferent" to such a vital part of our lives is so fitting.  Perfect word at the perfect place.  

Might edit L5.  Reason: although covered by "time" within the sentence, I didn't think the poem as a whole reflected the TIME-lessness of the image. Enough to "crumble" anyway.  

Nice read.

[Tom]

L.2 > as it held there shining > Pet peave - the sun didn't "sit" there.  Just saying 

L.4 - and I, a brick to be used for use or not 

Marc - fun to read. 

T

 

[Marc Gilbert]

T,

L.2 -> neither does it rise, but it doesn't stop anyone from using it.  just playing. This is more wordplay than poem, but fun. I chose sat for the obvious alliteration and my unshakable predisposition toward sibilance and alliteration and I think it reinforces the indifference.

Tim,

Thanks for pointing that out. No disagreement. I'd like to keep the beats in the line. I'll play some.

Thank you, both again.

 

[indar]

Hi Marc,
I thought for certain there would be some ironic conclusion or reference to the fact that the brick in the case of this poem owes its existence to the sun (as in sun-dried adobe brick). But maybe you assume the reader will be conscious of that. So the indifference of the sun matters not and the brick has its nerve expecting the sun in all its magnanimity should care one iota what the brick thinks. OK I'm being frivolous. 

Its a fun poem and I agree there are times the sun seems not to move.  I love the thinking brick. I suggest that statement would be more effective without "then crumble"

[Tracy Mitchell]

T,

. . .  and I think it reinforces the indifference.


 

It certainly does mine.

[Marc Gilbert]

Thanks, Linda. I think Tracy may have commented as well, but I was too distracted by his most recent avatar.

[indar]

Have you noticed he writes under two names so he can get away with a second, illegal avatar?

[Matty11]

hi Marc,
          Liked the careless gaze.

mused for a time  - or am I being too poetic?

Interesting option by Indar to remove the crumble.

best

Phil
 

[Tracy Mitchell]

Have you noticed he writes under two names so he can get away with a second, illegal avatar?

Tom is the Admin - the b*st*rd  consumes a ton of screen time, doesn't let me near the keyboard for long stretches.  I'm the one who writes, and does reviews and comments.  Taint' fair.