The Tangled Branch Discussion Forums

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I thought I'd pull one from my journal. Not sure about this one, too many abstractions?




It's difficult to concentrate, these rows
of cast-off memories, arranged
by color, size: softened with wear
or faded, stretched, bleached
where bodies filled and fitted. If I were
a medium or an indigo child, I'd be
overwhelmed, read a story with each pass
of hand, fingertips on denim, cashmere.
Whose shoulders held this jacket,
whose breasts left gentle dimples
on the front of these old sweaters?
A cornucopia of selves, of sweat
and human sin, or sweet experience.
Priced and hung as if to say:
Here, my shed, my former hallelujah;
I am no longer here. Hello, next tenant.



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Hi Sharon,

I'm thinking you are an admirer of the surrealist painters. There's your poem in the featured forum that references Dali and this one calls to mind Magritte's painting of his wife's clothes that incorporates her body parts into her empty dress and shoes. I looked for a link to that painting but alas.

I thought the images of the clothing were concrete--tactile,  

A cornucopia of selves, of sweat
and human sin, or sweet experience.

Sweat and human sin has definite connotations---sweet experience maybe not so much. 

Good on the N for not hanging on to that stuff. There is always that one thing that later on you regret and that way lies madness.

Enjoyed the read!

I always used to tell my kids that if they think whatever they are about to do isn't right, it probably is wrong  :)   Thank god for a poetry site where that doesn't matter and you get to ask someone else.  

My answer: not at all, although what trepidation you have might be more b/c of the journal form. Some of your line breaks are off to my ear (e.g. these rows, if I were, a couple of others).  A thorough look see and decision on form might send you off in a direction you are comfortable with.    

Sharon, 

I love reading your work. I think your use of enjambment is exceptional and educational. That said, the breaks in here:

where bodies filled and fitted. If I were 
a medium or an indigo child, I'd be
overwhelmed, read a story with each pass 
of hand, fingertips on denim, cashmere. 

Don't feel as natural as some of the others, but to be honest, it still read like butter and I can't think of anything that would not do more damage than good.

Marc
 

hi Sharon

Lovely use of dimples. I did wonder about human - is it needed? I like the notion of tenants and clothes and the narrative of others (could be interesting to speculate and expand on the latter).

best

Phil

Hi Sharon
The subject is great and some of the execution excellent but I wonder if it couldn't be tightened or if the sequence could be fiddled with.
For example, I would drop the first four words since they kind of stall the beginning, intruding in on the flow.
All these rows of cast-off memories,
arranged by color, size: worn (double sense of worn is perhaps smoother than softened)
faded, stretched, or bleached
where bodies filled and fitted.

Or you could begin thus:
If I were a medium or indigo child
I'd be overwealmed at each story,
pass of the hand, fingertips on denim, cashmere.

All .....

" Here, my shed" the word shed reads awkwardly to me as I instantly had to think of a garden shed.
Dave
 

Hello,

I'm very pressed for time at the moment, but just wanted to pop in and thank everyone who's taken the time to read, review and comment on this. There's great advice and suggestion here, overarchingly that I need to pay attention to my line breaks here & play with enjambment, which I absolutely plan on doing. Thanks again to all, I very much appreciate it! Will be back in to share crit with others soon as time allows.

Best,
Sharon

Sharon,

I enjoyed your “window” into the second-hand store. The vivid imagery made for an engaging read. Especially enjoyed imagining the overwhelm of the indigo child or medium fingertips on denim or cashmere.

The line withshed brought me it of the poem. I wonder if that line might be tweaked a little. I do enjoy the idea behind the last hooray and future tenant.

Well done!

Janet

Hi Sharon, you've already had lots of suggestions but I thought I'd highlight what works for me, if that helps.
To answer your question, yes I think the poem is a little too abstract.

rows
of cast-offs, arranged
by color, size: softened with wear
faded, stretched, bleached

where bodies filled and fitted 
read a story with each pass 
fingertips on denim, cashmere 
shoulders held this jacket, 
breasts left gentle dimples 
on old sweaters 
A cornucopia of
experience 
Priced and hung
as if to say 
next tenant

 

Really enjoyed the read.
If I was to suggest an edit it would be the last few lines, especially the last three words.
And agree with Dave about 'shed', it's a fab word, but not utilised to the full here.
Some wonderful images, the dimpled sweater...could a male writer say that nowadays?
'Cornucopia' is a bit too telling for me.
Minor crits on a lovely poem.